LYNCHBURG, VA. October 22 Speaking
from a crucifix shaped desk today at his Liberty University bunker, President
Jerry Falwell responded to recent anthrax attacks by announcing creation
of a blue ribbon panel to study the current state of U.S. moral decrepitude
the president blames for undermining our nation.
The new panel headed by special commissioner Pat Robertson is officially
titled the Faliban, and will examine why God has once again lifted
his curtain of protection. President Falwell says the panel will
examine a variety of God-annoying issues that include deliberately
provocative female behavior, and will also investigate individuals
believed to be operating among us without openly embracing Jesus
Christ as their savior.
When asked what remedies the panel might suggest, the president says hell
start by recommending legislation barring woman from driving combustible
engine vehicles. We have data showing female drivers tend to cause
accidents, especially in warm weather when they are known to wear distracting
short-sleeved shirts.
In remarks accompanying the president's, commissioner Robertson branded
homosexuality a seductive Satan assaulting fundamental truisms -
I mean truths, and promised to ask the Boy Scouts of America to
award a new honor badge for patriotic acts like destroying statues of
Walt Whitman and ridding libraries of poison pen authors like
Plato.
Among other panel targets, resident U.S. sleepers whom president
Falwell accused of waving the flag while opposing constitutional amendments
that would prohibit its burning. In explaining his overall reason for
appointing the Faliban, the president told reporters we must show
God we are mending our ways.
Presidential aides later clarified the remark pointing out the need to
prevent further attacks similar to the ones last month against the World
Trade Center and the Pentagon. At the time Falwell had blamed organizations
like the ACLU that promote secularism, saying I point the finger
in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" Falwell had also
cited abortion providers, gay rights supporters, and federal courts that
had banned school prayer and legalized abortion as reasons God chose to
"lift the curtain of protection."
Falwell later apologized for the remarks, but Defense Department sources
say the Faliban is part of an overall administration plan that includes
strategic U.S. military operations against societies who fail to fully
embrace Christianity. Among reported targets are Iraq, Sweden, and Key
West, Florida. According to aides, Falwell has told the Joint Chiefs of
Staff that U.S. service people who die in this war against those
who call their God by any other name are guaranteed admission to heaven.
On the domestic front, political opponents of the presidents God-First
platform fear they too will become Faliban targets. Falwell responded
that those who feel threatened could avoid punishment by agreeing to repent,
and ceasing evil behavior that includes thinking about sex for purposes
other than procreation.
Asked how the Faliban might consider academics teaching theories like
evolution, president Falwell warned that those who insist humans come
from apes should now prepare to die like dogs. Falwell then
brushed aside critics who argue he is behaving like a messiah, saying
there is only one God, and while Im not claiming to be his
profit, lets just say I know what he wants.
Hearing of the presidents words while attending
this years International Cookout for Rogue Nations behind an undisclosed
Kwiki-Mart near Tobruk, Libyan leader Mohamar Qadaffi, and tag-along Osama
bin Laden half-cousin Huey nodded in unison, saying we can do business
with this man.
But when told in Rome of the presidents initiative, papal aides
say John Paul II called Falwell pomylony, a Polish term loosely
translating into mashugga. President Falwell dismissed the
absence of support among Christian leaders like the pope, admonishing
the pontiff to brush up on his own faith and show a little less ankle
beneath his robes before second-guessing the policy Jesus demands.
Imagine all this and you can imagine what it is to find your religion
has been hijacked.
Yours Truly,
Xandor
Copy Boy In-Chief
Copyright © 2001
|