CAPITOL HILL, April 18 – The U.S. Senate effectively voted to reject opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge or ANWR to oil and gas drilling. The Bush administration and Senate Republicans had argued that Iraq’s recent decision to cut off oil exports until Israel withdraws from the West Bank, made opening ANWR a strategic priority. ANWR drilling supporters in congress lined up with the Bush administration to make a similar argument after terrorists attacked the World Trade Center and the Pentagon last year.

Over the years, drilling supporters have variously called ANWR oil the only solution to national challenges ranging from the common cold to Jerry Springer. The Heritage Foundation is studying how ANWR drilling might solve regional conflicts from national Balkan feuds to tribal Congo wars. And the Center for Disease Control is exploring how ANWR oil could cure or at least abate the spread of AIDS.

At different times during more than 20 years as junior Alaska Senator, Republican Frank Murkowski has claimed ANWR drilling could improve the quality of high school pizza, reduce stress in yuppies, and cure jock itch. Senior Alaska Senator Ted Stevens tried to put the best face on this most recent defeat insisting, “there's other ways we can get to that oil.”

The vote is especially bitter for both Senators, who had promised that in return for opening ANWR, they would strip naked at the refuge, don Victoria’s Secret underwear for camera crews trying to revive the hit TV show “Jackass,” then personally chug the first gallon of crude oil extracted from the site. “ANWR oil is not like regular crude,” Murkowski is said to have said as Stevens nodded. “It’s got special vitamins.”

Sens. Frank Murkowski and Ted Stevens

Applauding the effort, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer told reporters the “president knows ANWR could replace 46 years of oil supplies from Iraq,” admitting that the first 45 and a half of those years will be needed to fuel a single giant new SUV the president’s friends in the auto business are hoping to put on the market next year.

The so-called “Stealth Bush Banger” or SBB-SUV will be advertised as the perfect American car. Described as standing 3 stories tall, wider than any interstate highway, housing a multiplex theatre featuring back-to-back Farrelly Brothers movies, and traveling at fuel efficiency capped at 100 gallons per mile, the new vehicle guarantees to crush anything and everything in its wake. Because “real driving,” according to an advertising executive assigned to launch the machine, “means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Senate and administration sources sounded both realistic and optimistic about SBB-SUV opposition, saying they expect the usual complaints from “environmentalists and other national enemies,” and are certain some “transportation types” will warn of damage the vehicle will inflict on roads and highways. “But what about passenger welfare?” one supporter asked. “The SBB-SUV lets people drive with confidence and crash in safety. Injury-free auto-collisions … who can argue against that?”

Executives among the big-three auto makers say talks are now underway with the Bush administration to help position the SBB-SUV as a strategic imperative for safety conscious drivers, worried not only about roadway accidents but about terrorist attacks on rush-hour traffic. “We’re building this baby to take a neutron bomb square in the windshield and keep on ticking,” said one auto executive. “When we’re finished, the family guy who refuses to drive an SBB-SUV will look downright irresponsible, and rightly so.”

Asked for comment, Ari Fleischer denied knowledge of the talks or of the vehicle but said such an “innovation” would leave the country no choice but to open ANWR “as quick and as wide as possible” to meet the giant vehicle’s giant needs. Pressed on the administration’s position on fuel conservation and efficiency, Fleischer said the president dismisses the measures as transparent “Saddam solutions,” intended to “undermine national security and erode corporate profitability.” Two threats ANWR oil could disarm.