KANDAHAR, Afghanistan, Dec. 2 – Taliban spokesman Tayab Agha lashed out today at news that U.S. forces plan to unleash Wayne Newton in the hunt for Osama bin Laden. Calling Mr. Newton “the K-Tel Infidel,” the spokesman referred to a list of U.S. performers, including “Flock of Seagulls,” emitting sounds Taliban leaders “like all civilized peoples” consider inhumane and in breach of the Geneva Convention (al-Qaida addendum).

Back from his USO tour entertaining troops in Europe, Mr. Newton was said to be in a face re-fitting session, according to a publicist, and could not be reached for comment.

Qatari news agency al-Jazeera reported bin Laden justice minister and half-cousin Biff appeared on national television to announce a state of emergency.“Some time in the next week, or perhaps in the weeks after that, this human sound bomb could strike in any number of ways,” perhaps by “dusting Afghan mail with powder that makes grown men sing Danke Shoen.”

Taliban officials warned Afghans to remain alert but to continue going about their regular business. “This man is the sort who hides in casinos. He terrorizes innocent ears. But if his ghastly sounds prevent us from our daily duties of further reducing our cities to rubble or blowing up more Buddhas then this Sam Goody Satan will have won.”

Opposition to the Newton plan also came from Global Council for World Peace - Blaming America for Every Problem Originally Caused by European Colonialists division, or GCWP-BAEPOCEC.

In a news release titled “From On High,” the Paris-London based Council condemned the Newton trip as the latest example “of tone-deaf U.S. foreign policy,” warning Mr. Newton’s music would create more terrorists than it stopped. Worse, several Council members cautioned, the plan might sour opinion among western café society. Council leaders suggested Benny Hill or Jerry Lewis videos would be more culturally sensitive devices designed to “lure rather than drive” bin Laden from hiding.

President George Bush Jr. was quick to dismiss Council criticism, saying, “I’ll take Europeans seriously when they give up Arnold Schwartzenegger movies and McDonalds lunch breaks.”

Privately though some at the Pentagon complain the U.S. is fighting a war with one arm tied behind its back. “No one says a word when they (Islamists) slam us with Cat Stevens,” said one frustrated senior Defense official. “If we were serious we’d MIRV Newton with Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow.”

But at the CIA some officials worry the Newton plan could backfire. Speaking on background, a veteran intelligence officer pointed to the November 12th edition of The New Yorker, quoting bin Laden’s niece, Wafah expressing her affection for U.S. culture, “I love American music, like Destiny’s Child and Mariah Carey … I love Jennifer Lopez. I think she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The official, asking to remain anonymous, complained that when the Church Commission gutted the agency’s bad music library in the late 1970s, pop culture had dipped to its lowest ebb in western history. “Abba was out there with ‘Dancing Queen’ for God’s sake and we stop training officers on understanding the sort of mind that buys that kind of song. I mean John Denver was dead before many of our agents today joined up. Sure, we hit ‘em with Wayne Newton. But if they hit back with Boy George we’re in a Top 40 quagmire we can't win.”