sTORMS OVER THE BASTILLe

PARIS, July 14 – Morning broke here amid the smell of espresso and news that the United Nations has voted France the country most needing psychoanalysis.

“ France is a real head case,” according to a senior United States official who helped draft U.N. Resolution #7-14, mandating a series of one-hour analysis sessions with a select team of international doctors. “It was always a pain, but the Iraq thing put it over the top.”

U.N. officials said analysis sessions will start with warm-up questions about what doctors call “the archetypical French conflict” - ridiculing les Americains while lining up to meet Goofy at Euro Disney; decrying Amero culture while clamoring for Rambo re-runs; bemoaning fast-food chains while chain-smoking filter-free Gitans.

The next step, according to U.N. officials, is the “tough love.” Psychoanalysts will probe France on condemning Israel for manhandling the Palestinians while failing to manhandle the anti-Semitism pumping through many French hearts; ask about embracing the United States following September 11th while muttering that Uncle Sam had it coming; explore how descendants of Tocqueville and Rousseau came to endorse Le Pen and support Saddam.

“ I think it all goes back to WWII and the Vichy thing,” speculated one Security Council insider. “Dien Bien Phu didn’t help. You see real progress sometimes, but then they relapse.” It’s a common sentiment circulating among sentiment circles. “France is such an attractive place, with an impressive resume and a bright future,” said another senior U.N. official who addressed the third-rail of French psychology. “If it could just kick la craque, ” referring to the government subsidized French narco-troika that translates into jealousy, pomposity, et nasty.

Even supporters agree France must break its addiction to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. “When they’re straight they’re great. But a few whiffs of la craque and they’re strung out on diplomatic Tourettes Syndrome,” complained one U.N. official. “France really needs time in rehab and a crash course in anger management. Then maybe it could keep the friends it still has left.”

Milder treatment under consideration involves asking comedian Jerry Lewis to tape a series of public service TV ads on the dangers of la craque. The ads would open with Lewis playing baleful la craque addict Buddy Love before freeing himself from the narcotic to emerge as the original Nutty Professor, who finally cries out in his signature nasal tone … liberte, egalite, et fraternite.”

Xandor
Copy Boy In-Chief


Xandor
Copy Boy In-Chief

 


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