PARIS, July 14 – Morning broke here amid the smell of espresso
and news that the United Nations has voted France the country most
needing psychoanalysis.
“
France is a real head case,” according to a senior United States
official who helped draft U.N. Resolution #7-14, mandating a series
of one-hour analysis sessions with a select team of international doctors. “It
was always a pain, but the Iraq thing put it over the top.”
U.N. officials said analysis sessions will start with warm-up questions
about what doctors call “the archetypical French conflict” -
ridiculing les Americains while lining up to meet Goofy at Euro Disney;
decrying Amero culture while clamoring for Rambo re-runs; bemoaning
fast-food chains while chain-smoking filter-free Gitans.
The next step, according to U.N. officials, is the “tough love.” Psychoanalysts
will probe France on condemning Israel for manhandling the Palestinians
while failing to manhandle the anti-Semitism pumping through many French
hearts; ask about embracing the United States following September 11th
while muttering that Uncle Sam had it coming; explore how descendants
of Tocqueville and Rousseau came to endorse Le Pen and support Saddam.
“
I think it all goes back to WWII and the Vichy thing,” speculated
one Security Council insider. “Dien Bien Phu didn’t help.
You see real progress sometimes, but then they relapse.” It’s
a common sentiment circulating among sentiment circles. “France
is such an attractive place, with an impressive resume and a bright
future,” said another senior U.N. official who addressed the
third-rail of French psychology. “If it could just kick la craque, ” referring
to the government subsidized French narco-troika that translates into
jealousy, pomposity, et nasty.
Even supporters agree France must break its addiction to saying the
wrong thing at the wrong time. “When they’re straight they’re
great. But a few whiffs of la craque and they’re strung out on
diplomatic Tourettes Syndrome,” complained one U.N. official. “France
really needs time in rehab and a crash course in anger management.
Then maybe it could keep the friends it still has left.”
Milder treatment under consideration involves asking comedian Jerry
Lewis to tape a series of public service TV ads on the dangers of la
craque. The ads would open with Lewis playing baleful la craque addict
Buddy Love before freeing himself from the narcotic to emerge as the
original Nutty Professor, who finally cries out in his signature nasal
tone … liberte, egalite, et fraternite.”
Xandor
Copy Boy In-Chief
