NEW YORK, Sept. 11 – Declaring, “Nothing will ever be the same again,” executives behind TragedInc opened their doors today promising to “make Man-made disaster a P/L too fat to resist.” Using a hub-and-spoke model, TragedInc CEO & President D. Mon summarized his business premise as “misery in – revenue out.”

Standing before a giant photo of the collapsing World Trade Center and holding up a small replica of the Statue of Liberty, D. Mon somberly called out, “Bring us your dead, your sick, your clinically depressed and hopeless masses.” Smiling slightly he then added, “and we’ll turn everyone one of them into a product.”

D. Mon said TragedInc services would range from sepia-toned photo collections of lost loved ones to endless replays of anything most would like to forget. “I’m not God,” he warned holding up his flat palm. “I can’t protect you from trouble, but I can sure help you turn a buck after the smoke clears.”

Responding to questions of whether his business might be considered offensive, D. Mon pointed to examples of merchants already offering similar services, citing sad-for-sale items ranging from tasteless t-shirts to lugubrious media retrospectives. “Look at TV for starters,” he said. “From Columbine to Ground Zero, those TV people are masters.”

The central TV lesson? “You can pretty much do or say anything as long as you use slow motion and play really sad music.” Ticking off a requisite menu of pity producing instruments like harps, flutes, slow bugles and gentle guitars, D. Mon said he is planning to secure rights to Elton John’s Candle In The Wind. “An anthem that now defines death the same way Stairway to Heaven once defined a high-school dance.”

Noting that radio, newspapers, magazines, and movies also offer excellent models for turning catastrophe to cash, D. Mon has borrowed tried-and-true media rules for what he called his “bible of the bad” and its three-plus-one profit driving commandments.

“First off, victims must be heroes and criminals must be cowards. Period. Second, the tragedy must be ‘senseless,’ even if everyone can easily figure out why it happened. Next, someone must be to blame. If you can’t find him – and it’s always a him – just find someone else.” Finally, D. Mon employs what he called the touchstone of TV questions put to survivors and grieving relatives: How do you feel? A question D. Mon called “four words that spell pay-dirt. Cha’ Ching.”

Fending off doubters, D. Mon designated his brand of mayhem marketing as the service of the future, arguing that TragedInc simply offers a centralized standard for delivering what is already randomly available. “Free enterprise means everything is for sale,” said D. Mon. “My motive is profit. My product is pity. My system is efficient. Who can argue with that?”