Careful to graft to any popular opinion shift, leading news media executives now deny they ever doubted what one called the president’s “misunderstood genius.” Gathering for the “2002 Media Leaders Summit” scheduled to coincide with the address, TV commentators and newspaper editors agreed to dub W “the most dynamic leader since FDR and no less handsome than JFK.” One editor, who insists he privately supported Bush all along, compared the president’s accomplishments to those of Alexander The Great. “Look how George lassoed al-Qaeda, then read up on how Alexander corralled the Persians. Uncanny parallel there.”
The attitude change comes as school groups and scouting troops around the country plan various tributes to the president. One school contest awards the student best able to deliver a George Bush speech. Judges say keys to winning include drawing out the sssssssss in any word, and the ability to employ well-worn cowboy movie dialogue when summarizing complicated issues.
New views on the president are sparking radical new resolutions beyond the Oval Office. “If he can do it so can I. You betcha’,” vowed Vice President Dick Cheney, setting his sights on next year’s international Iron Man competition. Further west, the Farrelly Brothers pledged to make a movie without a toilet, comedian and show host Bill Maher vowed to make someone laugh, chart busting band *NSYNC promised to make music, and reclusive ScreedMe editor Xandor plans to start writing with wit. “Irony is … so 90s,” Xandor observed dryly, gazing at his shoes while rubbing his forehead in a slow circular motion. “ScreedMe blazed that trail for imitators like The Onion, of course, but now needs to move in a more patriotic direction. Our sponsors demand it.”
Instead of George Bush jokes, late night comics now turn to Geraldo “The Correspondent” Rivera for easy pickings from the day’s events. Packing heat in his personal hunt for evil-doers or popping up on morning talk shows to report who tried to kill him the night before, Geraldo is now proving even more entertaining than Bush in his most befuddled state.
The man driving all these changes is the evil-doer in-chief Osama bin Laden, and his cohort Mohammad “The Mullah” Omar, the self-appointed “cleric” who got the idea for his name from “The Colonel” Tom Parker. As the president’s star rose The Mullah’s fell. A year ago he was strutting around town in hand-me-downs from the Prophet Mohammad. Today he slinks through caves asking anyone who notices to please forget they saw him. “It was that damn bin Laden who put those crazy ideas in my head. I just feel sick about it.”
He’s not alone. Some of the same crowd that spent much of last year hunting down ancient Buddha statues now catch rays through a cage in Guantanamo. And what of bin Laden himself? Last year he ran an international band of merry murderers, rakishly stroking his beard, posing for home movies with satellite phones and machine guns in hand. At the time bin Laden hunted the Great Satan. Now he simply hides from it. Today bin Laden is lucky to eat the kind of squirrel that marches out to salute President Bush. What a difference a year makes.
Happy 2002
