Phony Mayor Becomes Network President
Secaucus, NJ. April – The man who declared himself mayor of Baghdad
arrived by an aircraft carrier hired by General Electric to declare himself
president of MSNBC. U.S. troops escorted Mohammed Mohsen al-Zubaidi from
the carrier anchored in the Hudson River to network studios, as neighborhood
liberals jeered, threw stones, and set fires. 
When U.S. soldiers arrested al-Zubaidi in Baghdad last week, they charged
him with “exercising authority which is not his." Today, with
some of those same soldiers at his side, al-Zubaidi described MSNBC as
a network, “appealing to viewers who are not there.” A retired general now providing commentary for MSNBC explained the military’s change of attitude. “MSNBC is no less chaotic at this point than Baghdad and no less in need of a strong hand like al-Zubaidi’s.”
Mounting a speaker’s podium provided by the Pentagon, al-Zubaidi noted the struggling network’s new attempt to mimic the conservative tone of rival success Fox News, and pledged to take MSNBC to the next level, delivering what he called “programs for patriots.”
Beyond simply reporting news, al-Zubaidi said the network would become a watchdog looking for viewers who disagree with administration policy. “Tune us out and we record your name then call for an explanation. I call it the Reverse-Neilsen.” General’s seated nearby nodded supportively. Meanwhile, soldiers shredded leftover Phil Donahue posters.
Calling MSNBC “the little news network that still could” al Zubaidi suggested a new motto to reflect the new strategy. Borrowing a variation of the Fox News claim, “We report – You decide,” al-Zubaidi announced MSNBC would declare, “Don’t run - You can’t hide.”
Al-Zubaidi said he plans to deliver “revolutionary technology” he had hoped to use as mayor of Baghdad that enables TVs to monitor your movements, track your thoughts, and if you express dissent, “lash you’re ass with the power cord, then force feed you 24 hour updates of Geraldo’s renewed quest for Osama bin Laden.”
Former NBC News president Andrew Lack, now CEO of Sony Entertainment, greeted
the plan with enthusiasm. “Al’s fly must have been on my wall,” Lack
said. “The money is in the flag. I’m looking to replace the
Dixie Chicks with Ronald Reagan speeches put to rap.” In related news, CNN, Fox, and MSNBC continued to fuel speculation first reported in the New York Post that if Saddam Hussein does resurface it will be on e-Bay, auctioning himself off as a syndicated counter-point host with Bill O’Reilly.
