Who’s More Dangerous?
New York, Feb. 14 – A nationwide
Valentines Day street side poll concludes that most recently married husbands
fear fatherhood more than
Saddam Hussein. The Gallup organization chose today - this Hallmark Corporation’s
designated day of love - to travel across the across the United States
and Canada asking thousands of newly wedded husbands what would frighten
them more - arrival on their doorstep of Saddam or a newborn? 
Opinions overwhelmingly favored one side, with more than 80% of men responding
that while the United States remains unable to demonstrate the immediate
danger posed by Saddam, evidence of the menace posed by a newborn is obvious
and abundant. “Saddam may toss a dirty bomb my way but he’s
never going to make me change his diaper,” answered one Canadian
man living in Scarborough Ontario describing himself as “spooked
by the whole (baby) thing, eh.” A Tulsa, Oklahoma man who noted that by the time they reach 35 many of his friends have already become grandparents, answered, “Saddam might blow me to beJesus given half a chance, but at least I won’t have to pay for him to go to college.”
In Montreal, one man in a group emerging from Wanda’s, one of the city’s well known “gentleman’s clubs,” was clear about why he feared babies more than Saddam. “Saddam isn’t going to play with my wife’s t_ _ _. Can’t say that about a new kid.”
A New York City resident with fear filled wide eyes, clutched haphazardly at clumps of his hair as he called himself, “stressed out of my mind” – and that’s when he’s on vacation – conceded that while Saddam is a demonstrated homicidal maniac, at least “he doesn’t scream at you to buy him everything he sees in every store window he passes.” The same man expressed relief he would never have to commit a series of felonies greasing an already oily cavalcade of influential palms in an attempt to enroll Saddam in school at the East 92nd Street Y.
For one upper west side New Yorker the contrasting dangers between Saddam
and a newborn took a more domestic twist. “Saddam may anthrax my
apartment but he’s not going to force me into the suburbs then make
me drive him around in a family van.”The fears held by many polled were perhaps best summarized by one young father begrudgingly visiting Orlando, Florida with his wife and child. “Duct tape is the great equalizer,” he said. “Tape your doors and windows to save yourself from Saddam. Tape your eyes and ears to save yourself from Disney.”
