Show Me The Weapons
WASHINGTON, Jan 29 – In the wake of his State of The Union address,
senior White House officials say President George Bush noticed something
missing. The president reportedly jumped on the phone to Secretary of State
Colin Powell, demanding, “OK - Where’s my war?” 
Aides say a frustrated president then picked up a pair of binocular and peered out his Oval Office window. “I’m looking, Colin. I am looking. But I ain’t seeing. And soon someone’s going to notice.” The president reportedly then stormed across his office. “I mean what will it take? I point my finger, I shake my fist, I stomp my foot - Nothing. I call him an evildoer, a crawfisher, a ding-dangler - Nothing. I tried kerosene, gasoline, even Benzedrine, but this sucker just won’t light.”
With the a clear pretext for war against Iraq as elusive as ever, the administration is employing what aides call the “double-dog.” Last week, they explained, the president called Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein “a dangerous, dangerous man with dangerous, dangerous weapons." Officials hope the new double-dog will convince U.S. allies that Saddam is actually - dangerous.
Speaking on background, officials said the White House plan includes a personal touch. Last week, officials pointed out, President Bush complained Saddam is “playing hide-and-seek with inspectors." In phase two of that message, officials say the president will call the Iraqi dictator to announce, “Come out, come out wherever you are.”
The double-dog will also become part of an administration public relations initiative that includes a series of international public service TV adds airing on al Jaseera where Cuba Gooding Jr. barks, “Show me the weapons! - Show me the weapons!”
In preparation for war, 79,000 National Guard and Reservists are now on active duty. Reviewing plans to deliver a total U.S. military force of 150,000 in the Persian Gulf by mid-February, President Bush told aides, “I’ll be a mule mulcher if every one of those brave men and women don’t get their chance to die for freedom.” Aides say the president then turned to domestic issues, focusing on his proposed tax deductions for new SUVs.
The
Pentagon is employing a double-dog strategy of its own. After referring
to Germany and France as “the old Europe,” Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld plans to unveil a list of nations he calls, “New-Improved-Europe” or
NIE, saying all members will fly under a single made-in-the-USA flag inscribed, “Concludo
et Incendiarius” - Latin for “Shut-up and Fire.” A select U.S. legal commission will reportedly draw up an NIE Declaration of Independence that begins, “We find this truth to be self evident, if you can’t find it, blow it up.” The leading candidate to lead the commission is former U.S. Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott.
