PARIS,
July 14 – Morning broke here amid the smell of espresso
and news that the United Nations has voted France the country most
needing psychoanalysis.
“ France is a real head case,” according to a senior United States
official who helped draft U.N. Resolution #7-14, mandating a series of one-hour
analysis sessions with a select team of international doctors. “It was
always a pain, but the Iraq thing put it over the top.”
U.N.
officials said analysis sessions will start with warm-up
questions about what doctors call “the archetypical
French conflict” - ridiculing les Americains while
lining up to meet Goofy at Euro Disney; decrying Amero culture
while clamoring for Rambo re-runs; bemoaning fast-food chains
while chain-smoking filter-free Gitans.
The next step, according to U.N. officials, is the “tough love.” Psychoanalysts
will probe France on condemning Israel for manhandling the Palestinians
while failing to manhandle the anti-Semitism pumping through many French
hearts; ask about embracing the United States following September 11th
while muttering that Uncle Sam had it coming; explore how descendants
of Tocqueville and Rousseau came to endorse Le Pen and support Saddam.
“ I think it all goes back to WWII and the Vichy thing,” speculated
one Security Council insider. “Dien Bien Phu didn’t help. You see
real progress sometimes, but then they relapse.” It’s a common sentiment
circulating among sentiment circles. “France is such an attractive place,
with an impressive resume and a bright future,” said another senior U.N.
official who addressed the third-rail of French psychology. “If it could
just kick la craque, ” referring to the government subsidized French narco-troika
that translates into jealousy, pomposity, et nasty.
Even
supporters agree France must break its addiction to saying
the wrong thing at the wrong time. “When they’re
straight they’re great. But a few whiffs of la craque
and they’re strung out on diplomatic Tourettes Syndrome,” complained
one U.N. official. “France really needs time in rehab
and a crash course in anger management. Then maybe it could
keep the friends it still has left.”
Milder treatment under consideration involves asking comedian Jerry
Lewis to tape a series of public service TV ads on the dangers of la
craque. The ads would open with Lewis playing baleful la craque addict
Buddy Love before freeing himself from the narcotic to emerge as the
original Nutty Professor, who finally cries out in his signature nasal
tone … liberte, egalite, et fraternite.”
