Hold It Homo
Washington DC, June – Reacting to Canada’s legalization of
homosexual marriage, the Bush administration is sending tanks to guard
the northern United States border and posting signs at border-crossings
featuring a scowling Attorney General John Ashcroft, in signature blue
suit and red tie, pointing his index finger. Beneath him is the warning, “Hold
It Homo.” The Defense Department plans to re-deploy units previously stationed along the southern border to fight illegal narcotics traffic. “Now that victory-is-at-hand in the drug war, we want to give our troops a new challenge,” said one senior Pentagon official. “Idle hands are the devils workshop and we want our boys in uniform to keep busy. Stopping homos is a patriotic summer project the country can get a good hold of.”
Explaining details of the campaign titled, “Operation Say Hey Fella,” Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld spoke in unusually blunt terms. “Afghanistan
is becoming every bit the fiasco Colin Powell predicted and life for our
troops in Iraq gets weirder every day,” Rumsfeld said. “Stopping
these whatever you call – these three sheets to the wind types who
run off to get married in Canada is a safer and more popular way to waste
taxpayer dollars.”Administration officials are gambling most of the country will agree. Confused by names like Baghdad and Kabul that have overwhelmed world maps in recent months, the public, according to officials, can more easily understand the dangers that gay weddings pose to normal life. In an effort to win his job back, former White House speechwriter David Frum suggests describing the campaign as the “war on marriages of mass distraction.”
Tele-evangelists across the U.S. are among those endorsing the administration’s
northern re-deployment. “Canada spells Satan when spoken in tongues,” said
the Rev. Willie Way of the Little Willie Wayward Church in the central
Texas town of Wayvoline (renamed after the church bought the town of Valve
from the Valvoline oil company). Rev. Willie has banned the word Canada from weekly church Scrabble fundraisers. “My theory that Canada lies alongside the United States is very disturbing,” Rev. Willie said, “especially at night.” His brow twitched. “Sometimes I swear I can hear Canada breath. Its heartbeat makes me tremble. Sometimes I awake, perspiring, dreaming Canada is reaching over …” Rev. Willie stopped. His eyes wide, he cupped his hand over his mouth, then ran off screaming, “Satan is licking my lips … and I’m liking it.”
Meanwhile, in Florida a new organization calling itself Parents Against Nuptials in Canada or PANIC, is calling on Washington to impose an economic and travel embargo against Canada similar to the one that has worked so successfully against Cuba. “We are not safe,” said one PANIC member who advocates sexual abstinence among couples, including married ones. “To protect the children we must stop the homo.” Her husband nodded agreement. “Castro, bin Laden, the homo - together their names spell Satan, at least it does in our schools.”
In a story footnote: Rev. Willie has now become the target of a Texas dragnet, according to a local sheriff who learned of the reverend’s unsettling dream. Standing beneath an autographed copy of the Ashcroft border poster - in this one Ashcroft wears only a cowboy hat and leather chaps - sheriff Bobby Bee laid out his detailed plan. “We catch ol’ Willie making his way Canada way, we shoot him dead,” sheriff Bee said. “Just like we’d kill any Canada type making his way our way. We’re fair people.”
