OCTOBER 8, 2003
 
 
(Studio Audience: Opening Applause)
 
Host Bill Maher:
 
Friends Los Angelones, countrymen … I come not to bury Arnold, but to recall him.
 
Arnold Schwarzenegger is now California’s governor-elect …
 I say ... Not so fast Conan …

 Because tonight I’m announcing my petition for a recall election …
  
That’s right. Where I will be the only candidate on the ballot.

Maybe we could open the returns right here on the stage to make sure no one from Florida sneaks into the mix.

The way I see it, we need to return California to a simpler time. You can’t get much simpler than a ballot with one guy’s name on it. A single vote for a single guy who’s taken the trouble to confirm what my clever viewers already know … that everyone else is wrong.

If Californians will elect an Austrian with a Nazi accent and a Terminator flattop, imagine how they’ll love my home grown wit and I-wish-I-were-Bon Jovi-haircut?
 
Joking aside, I’m recalling Arnold because I’m disgusted by reports of his gropings.
 
Not the woman  – In my experience they get what they deserve. But when I saw Arnold grope Dee Snider … my blood just boiled.
 
(Studio Music Track: “We’re Not Gonna’Take It” © Twisted Sister)
(Audience: Cheers & Singing)
 
Now - OK - now for, for any of you wondering about my qualifications to serve as governor, consider this … First – I’m way too busy dealing with my own issues to run up an 8 billion dollar deficit dealing with California’s …

Second – unlike Arnold’s carefully scripted thoughts, mine blurt from my heart. And when I’m not careful from somewhere else.
 
And here’s another point. Unlike Arnold, I won’t stoop to making people laugh. Gigglers can get all the laughs they need trying to make sense of my outbursts ...Let them split their sides trying to unravel my convoluted tantrums … while the smart people take notes.

 
As for my background … While Arnold pumped iron and terminated his way to becoming the Visigoth visionary we see today, I cut my political teeth the old fashioned way – working comedy clubs.
 
That’s where I honed my political philosophy … Libertarian Nastyism … It shone a neon light that’s guided me since – reminding me that since I’m always right, everyone else must be – well – something else.

I didn’t come to this decision easily. It’s been a long road, punctuated by pivotal moments - like the day I discovered the populist chicanery of Bob Hope.
 
That’s when I knew I had a public duty to share my thoughts on life, like explaining to kids that Santa Claus is a phony, and reminding women it’s only a matter of time before they become old and fat. 

 
I shared thoughts with another promising student in those days – Dennis Miller. Each night, we’d get up on up on stage somewhere to offer up our insights, and bitch slap any slob who didn’t get it.
 
So in closing, I want to address those tired, poor huddled Californian masses – yearning to vote for me.

My campaign won’t dwell on Arnold’s sordid past. Instead I’ll play the same role as a gubernatorial candidate that I already play as a TV host … showing that I’m above it all.
 
(Studio Audience: Closing Applause)
(Studio Music Track: “You’re So Vain” © Carley Simon)