To: Rupert Murdock
From: Roger Ailes
Date:  September, 2003
RE:    Kwik-Fix Diner Chain
 
 
We’re kicking it in cable and moving in on radio. The next frontier is fast food. It’s cheap, it turns a buck, and no one in our target market cares about the ingredients. Here’s how I see it: Fast food with Fox values – a chain of diners called Kwik Fix. Imagine opening day: We hire a crowd dressed up in flags. Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly wear matching paper hats and aprons, taking customer orders through a drive-through window.
 
Meanwhile, Ann Coulter roller-blades past waiting cars yelling, “the State Department is undermining the food-pyramid” while she serves fries, shakes, and anything else that could kill a pancreas. Maybe she could also sell her new book, Poisoner: How Bill Clinton Wrecked Our Health.
 
Now you can bet the spinach eaters will show up with their anti-patriotic signs. Like that one that said our demographic is loaded with “cartoon populists.” Can’t you see their flexible wrists drawing up a new chant. “Now Fox sells food that melts in your mouth the way its news melts in your brain.” Hey who said Roger can’t get a laugh? I’ll tell them they’re out of touch with real Americans and should shut-up because they’re nothing but vegetarians anyway. Anyway, for the treadmill types, we could speckle our menus with health tips, many drawn from the Bible. Is there a Book of Profits? See Rupert, I got you again. 
 
Back to work. Inside the diner I say we put in video games for waiting customers. Get Bill O’Reilly to show kids how to play a video game set up like a radio talk show where the players or “callers” win points by destroying appetite-killers, like facts. In this game the bad guys sport Al Franken faces.You win bonus points by submerging opponents of the War on Terror in deep fat fryers until they agree Crawford Texas is a logical place for a summer vacation. Are you smiling? You are, ar'nt you? That pencil-thin Ausie smile of yours. Like a joyful jackle. You know I mean that in all admiration.
 
Seriously though, I want the games to teach lessons - that conservatives see threats liberals ignore: Iraq, gay marriage, the United States Constitution. That liberals see threats where conservatives see solutions: Blasting Iraq, mandatory heterosexuality, martial law.
 
Now here’s where I also see a role for Rush Limbaugh. Christ I swear he looks like my brother Melvin before his pure pork diet. Anyway, once Rush gets out of rehab he’s going to need a comeback. I say co-opt they guy into our Fox family. Make him a roving Kwik Fix ambassador, traveling from diner to diner pressing the flesh, so to speak? Can’t you imagine him saying things the way he does. Like, “conservatives love America but liberals hate conservatives.” He pops some OxyContin, burps, then adds, “You do the math.” No one hits the nail like Rush.
 
Now we can drive those nails further. Try this out: Why Do They Hate Us cups, Why Do Euros Love Them napkins, and Why Can’t I Find Iraq On A Map paper plates? In the bathroom we’ll provide “enemies list” toilet paper printed with faces of Osama bin Laden and the Dixie Chicks. Printed on the walls, helpful themes like “terror” and “patriot” and “freedom.” Words that make sense out of the craziness.     
 
I say we get ‘em coming in and we get ‘em going out. As customers leave, nice elderly couples dressed in Old Glory hand them take-home menus with a note from me made to look like I wrote it with a pen on a Stick-Em. “Mom serves what you need. Kwik-Fix serves anything you’ll buy.”