baghdad's
COOL HAND luke Paul Newman as Luke in "Cool Hand Luke."
"... Ahianen lashay yany shay azem."
Saddam Hussein as the Iraqi dictator in the Baghdad remake.
In his book, Life The Movie: How Entertainment Conquered Reality, author
Neal Gabler argues that the world is turning itself into a global motion picture.
Gabler cites numerous examples to back his claim, but strangely omits the
glaring comparison between the current western stand-off against Iraq and
the 60s movie classic, Cool Hand Luke. Pressed for an example of analytical
writing ability as part of my application to teach at a prestigious woman's
finishing school, where I hope to find a wife, I decided to fill Gabler's
conspicuous gap. Here are my results from months of intense research:
In a pivotal movie scene, lumbering George Kennedy finally relents on the
savage wailing he'd unleashed against the skinnier but smarter character played
by Paul Newman. When Kennedy gives up from sheer guilt, Newman's character,
Luke, takes a final slapping swipe at his outsized foe, technically winning
the fight. Saddam took note.
Peeling off a stick-em from Howard Hughes' obsession with Ice Station Zebra,
Hussein is known to have smuggled countless video dubs of Cool Hand Luke through
the Iraqi-no-fly-zones that everyone except Iraq is allowed to fly through.
(I personally flew a now defunct girlfriend, who is not and has never married
a member of congress of either gender, through the zones several times after
a festive Golan Heights picnic last weekend). The movie is now required viewing
for any Saddam cohort fearful of swimming with the fishes in the Shatt-Al
Arab.
It's been years since the movie-enamoured dictator first muttered, "mumkan
aakol khamseen bayda," or "I can eat 50 eggs." On the world stage, his boast
translates roughly into, "Go ahead, slam me with 50 cruise missiles - and
I'll still keep my job."
According to sources close to the Iraqi dictator, Saddam watches select scenes
of Cool Hand Luke, daily. Among his favorite lines:
"Shaking it here boss, I'm shaking it here."
In the movie, guards require their chain gang-charges to rattle bushes and
repeat that line whenever they break to relieve themselves. Luke obediently
obliges, as his taciturn senior guard looks on in grim silence through mirrored
aviator glasses.
In Luke's case, the remark foreshadows his latest ploy to escape, leaving
hapless guards with little more than heartburn and a glower. Check your latest
headline for the latest Iraqi equivalent. Then imagine Saddam cackling as
he speeds off in the equivalent of a stolen chain-gang dump truck while Bill
Clinton and Tony Blair steam. Standing by the roadside, Boris Yeltsin and
Jacques Chirac double over in silent guffaws, furtively slapping each other
five.
Luke escapes throughout the movie, but never for long. Upon recapture, his
punishments vary. One time, guards force him to repetitiously dig and fill
the same ditch. Another time, guards toss him in the hot box. Luke suffers
but never heels. He barely recovers before attempting another escape.
The exasperated camp warden has a famous euphemistic explanation for Luke's
recalcitrance. "Now what we have here ... is a failure to communicate."
Saddam plays this particular movie admonishment repeatedly, according to
sources, slapping his knees, doubling over, and eventually choking on unstoppable
laughter. During birthdays, wedding anniversaries, the discovery of any assassination
plot, the Iraqi president quotes dialogue in the script where the warden routinely
asks Luke if his "mind is right?" Luke always answers that it is, then crafts
his next escape. Saddam apparently installed a special reading-light in his
presidential screening room so he could take notes on these sections.
An upcoming biographical docudrama - Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are
- traces a young Saddam from mirthful days skinning live squirrels in Takrit,
to lighthearted adult hobbies that include gassing Kurds. U.N. Secretary General
Kofi Annan plays the warden. National Security Council members play the camp
guards, and General Assembly members make cameo appearances as the inmates.
Saddam plays himself.
Given that Luke spends most of the original movie penned up in a camp full
of only vaguely attractive men, his nearest thing to a love interest is the
sight of a busty girl washing a car one sweaty afternoon. Like Luke, Saddam
lives penned up in a bit of a camp himself. His only near love interest is
said to comprise of a life-sized bikini clad Rosie O'Donnell poster, and a
curious black light Polaroid of Madeleine Albright that the dictator hides
in his sock drawer.
Toward the movie's end, Kennedy reminisces about his earlier one-sided fight
with Newman's character. "That ol' Luke, he just came back at me wid' nothin'.
Beat me wid' a whole lot o' nothin'."
Substitute 'Luke' for 'Saddam', add an Arkansas twang, and you can almost
see Bill Clinton playing Kennedy's part in the real-life version. Now the
law eventually puts a stop to Luke's fictional hi-jinks. Unclear right now
is how Saddam's saga will end. Apparently, Iraqi minions edited out the dictator's
version of the movie's conclusion.
Well, there it is. I deeply believe that contributing to the realm of serious
intellectual thought is an important part of teaching. And I'm confident that
the observations noted above will score me the job, a wife, and a hearty "thank-you"
bouquet from Mr. Gabler.
"... Sometimes
nothing can be a real cool hand."
Yours truly,
Xandor