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CRISTINA in a BOTTLE

Say what you like about MTV, but it pulls its weight in this information age. If you doubt its educational value, spend a few weeks in a country that doesn't have it - yet - and see what the dark side of the pop cultural moon really looks like. Dark.

Back from China (see October Screed) and looking forward to some well-deserved relaxation, I grabbed some Ring Dings and tuned in to MTV, catching Cristina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle" music video. You know the one where she writhes around on the beach while guys dressed as Jiffy Lube applicants jump over walls then run around. I'm not going to spoil the plot by giving it away, but safe to say that video inspired me to move to another chair and log-on in search of more Cristina.

Surfing for her musical hits, I realized that China is a country in serious need of MTV. Tossing authoritarian road blocks onto the information superhighway the way they do, though, the Chinese have cut themselves out of Cristina's loop, leaving them little more on a Beijing Saturday night than watching the latest Bruce Lee flick, or serenading their honey in Tai Chi parks with bitchin' air guitar versions of Michael Jackson's "Beat It."

About to consider more on China's plight, I instead stopped at a site to read that "Cristina continues to define herself and showcase her special voice." Hot now on a trail of helpful hyperlinks, I soon came upon AOL Today. Landing at JFK, I had read that AOL generously agreed to run features on Cristina after meeting with some people who live in New York called the Electric Artists. They work at an Internet publicity company. Probably have offices with lot's of bare brick and black metal stuff. RCA (the only label willing to take a chance on Elvis, FYI) thoughtfully asked them to help out deserving and serious young musicians. It's easy to see why these Electric Artists chose Cristina.

Apparently the Artists have friends in wired places who agreed to go on line to answer questions about Cristina, and in many cases, hand out questions to the less fortunate among us who had none of our own. They asked some pretty important stuff.

EA : "Does anyone remember Cristina Aquilera - she sang a song 'Reflection' from the Disney movie 'Mulan'?"

Me : "Oh, yeah, sure, right." (eager to show I knew what they meant)

EA : "I heard she has a new song out called 'Genie in a Bottle.'"

Me : "Yeah - right. I heard that too."

Was this, like, a trick exam question? Maybe the RCA guys didn't have time to totally fill their Electric Artist friends in. That, or the Artists were learning new things just like me and instantly passing them along in true MTV spirit, just to be decent. The net is so community that way - sort of like an on-line campfire.

Anyway, soon I was on to Sonicnet's "Gurlmusic" section, to gab with like-minded fans. We all talked about how Cristina is not one of the Hanson brothers and is much better than totally cheesy lameo Britney Spears - please. So yesterday. Makes me actually sick to think there are really people out there who don't seriously recognize the difference. Whatever.

I was impressed. The fans in this chat room seemed really smart, able to answer almost any question. Some even offered to mail me stuff. Others told me to call up my local radio station and request Genie in a Bottle. See what I mean about so community.

Then they led me to a website, where I could buy Genie in a Bottle, plus a whole lot more Cristina songs for like, $16.00. My mom said I was too old to ask her for that kind of money and that I should be buying that sort of thing on my own by now. I guess she's right. But my credit cards all cancelled out after the last time I got this exited, and blew it all on a retail double feature special, Pocemon Sings The Spice Girls' Greatest Hits. So, with cash and my dad's watch in hand, I trotted off to a nearby record store.

Boy, did all that research come in handy. Right out front were the coolest posters of Cristina. She's so hot. I grabbed her eponymous "Cristina" CD and made for the cash register. That's where the helpful clerk told me I could get one of the posters free, if I bought a second "Cristina" CD. Hey, I'm no idiot. I grabbed three more CDs, getting an extra free poster, before some kid could nab them first. Then wouldn't I be the goat!

With $64 plus tax less to my already indentured name, I trotted home with my CD and poster collection. A lot of money? Sure, but I didn't mind, since it was all for a good cause. I mean where would Cristina Aquilera be without fans like me? Still studying guitar or piano, I guess, or slaving as a short order cook to pay her way through Julliard.

It's great to help a great new artist get a crack at the big time. The Monkees and The Archies, Millie Vanilli and Ace of Base - the honor role is a long one. 'Course I don't mean to hog the credit. I'm just one of millions who've learned to love Cristina this year. It's like magic that none of us ever heard of her last year. Genie in a Bottle hit number one on the charts, so you know it's great. But none of us could have discovered the genius of Cristina's craft without helpful tips from the cool guys over at RCA, AOL, MTV, and let's not forget the Electric Artists. Thanks man!

This month, RCA releases Cristina Aquilera's second "hit" single, "What a Girl Wants." I'm going back on line to see what everyone thinks. I can't explain it, but I have a good feeling about this one. The net is just so - community. Hope I can return the favor one-day.

Yours truly,
Xandor

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