LYNCHBURG, VA. October 22– Speaking from a crucifix shaped desk today at his Liberty University bunker, President Jerry Falwell responded to recent anthrax attacks by announcing creation of a blue ribbon panel to study the current state of U.S. moral decrepitude the president blames for “undermining our nation.”

The new panel headed by special commissioner Pat Robertson is officially titled the Faliban, and will examine why “God has once again lifted his curtain of protection.” President Falwell says the panel will examine a variety of God-annoying issues that include “deliberately provocative female behavior,” and will also investigate individuals believed to be “operating among us without openly embracing Jesus Christ as their savior.”

When asked what remedies the panel might suggest, the president says he’ll start by recommending legislation barring woman from driving combustible engine vehicles. “We have data showing female drivers tend to cause accidents, especially in warm weather when they are known to wear distracting short-sleeved shirts.”

In remarks accompanying the president's, commissioner Robertson branded homosexuality “a seductive Satan assaulting fundamental truisms - I mean truths,” and promised to ask the Boy Scouts of America to award a new honor badge for patriotic acts like destroying statues of Walt Whitman and ridding libraries of “poison pen authors” like Plato.

Among other panel targets, resident U.S. “sleepers” whom president Falwell accused of waving the flag while opposing constitutional amendments that would prohibit its burning. In explaining his overall reason for appointing the Faliban, the president told reporters “we must show God we are mending our ways.”

Presidential aides later clarified the remark pointing out the need to prevent further attacks similar to the ones last month against the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. At the time Falwell had blamed organizations like the ACLU that promote secularism, saying “I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" Falwell had also cited abortion providers, gay rights supporters, and federal courts that had banned school prayer and legalized abortion as reasons God chose to "lift the curtain of protection."

Falwell later apologized for the remarks, but Defense Department sources say the Faliban is part of an overall administration plan that includes strategic U.S. military operations against societies who fail to fully embrace Christianity. Among reported targets are Iraq, Sweden, and Key West, Florida. According to aides, Falwell has told the Joint Chiefs of Staff that U.S. service people who die in this war against “those who call their God by any other name are guaranteed admission to heaven.”

On the domestic front, political opponents of the president’s “God-First” platform fear they too will become Faliban targets. Falwell responded that those who feel threatened could avoid punishment by agreeing to repent, and ceasing evil behavior that includes thinking about sex for purposes other than procreation.

Asked how the Faliban might consider academics teaching theories like evolution, president Falwell warned that those who insist humans come from apes should now prepare to “die like dogs.” Falwell then brushed aside critics who argue he is behaving like a messiah, saying “there is only one God, and while I’m not claiming to be his profit, let’s just say I know what he wants.”

Hearing of the president’s words while attending this year’s International Cookout for Rogue Nations behind an undisclosed Kwiki-Mart near Tobruk, Libyan leader Mohamar Qadaffi, and tag-along Osama bin Laden half-cousin Huey nodded in unison, saying “we can do business with this man.”

But when told in Rome of the president’s initiative, papal aides say John Paul II called Falwell “pomylony,” a Polish term loosely translating into “mashugga.” President Falwell dismissed the absence of support among Christian leaders like the pope, admonishing the pontiff to brush up on his own faith and show a little less ankle beneath his robes before “second-guessing the policy Jesus demands.”

… Imagine all this and you can imagine what it is to find your religion has been hijacked.

Yours Truly,

Xandor
Copy Boy In-Chief