iNDIE OR PAKIe?
Special inspectors patrol departure gates for terrorists posing as security guards.

NEW YORK, Nov. 21 – As the holiday season begins, travelers say they are scrutinizing airport security personnel manning departure gate metal detectors. Reports of security lapses since September 11 frighten some passengers. “I wonder about some of those security guards and whether they might be part of all this,” said one portly man dressed in an Uncle Sam shirt and matching shorts as he waited to board a charter flight to Branson Mo.

Clutching a booklet of discount Olive Garden dinner coupons she says she won on QVC, the man's wife complained she saw one security guard wearing a turban and another sporting a beard. “They sure looked like a terrorist to me.”

New travel guides springing up on websites and at airport kiosks encourage wary travelers to report suspicious individuals including security guards, and to ask questions if they doubt security authenticity. Most guides warn against jumping to conclusions based on appearance. “While some guards look like Arabs, they might actually be Rocker burn-outs lucky to have a job or WTO protestors who never held one that paid money.”

Another guide stressed the importance of national origin in identifying potentially dangerous individuals. “While many Pakistani individuals support the Taliban, Indian nationals do not,” the guide points out. “In the event of confusion simply demand, ‘Indie or Pakie?’ If they answer ‘Indie’ you are safe enough to engage in a ritual round of Muslim bashing that includes speculation on what 'those people' might do with the Bomb. If they answer ‘Pakie,’ call police.

Reacting to news of the new guides, Attorney General John Ashcroft assured the public that all suspicious individuals would be held without questioning, “for as long as it takes to ensure they are in fact guilty.” When asked if the Justice Department is effectively singling out dark people who are not quite Black, Ashcroft answered, “I’m confident we know enough by now to release captives who are obviously lifeguards.”

The Attorney General’s remarks drew a welcome response from the Association of Real American Travelers. At his Idaho office beneath a banner reading “Land Of The Free-Home Of The Brave,” A-RAT Director Willie DuBoise called on legislators in Washington to save taxpayer dollars by firing airport security guards and anyone else “who appears to be on the wrong side.”

When asked if he worries that many legitimate guards could lose their jobs under such a sweeping policy, Mr. DuBoise said his 3rd cousin Buford knows “many fine boys” with “various militia and related experience ready to take up our task of taking back our skies.”