|
bORE
ME - I DARE Ya' Sipping lattes and Poland Springs later near NYU, I talked this over
with some of my stylishly depressed friends. (Last week, we expelled an
imposter found among us caught laughing as if happy) We all agreed that
if we cared at all - quickly reminding each other that we emphatically
did not - we'd like to turn George into Al and Al into George. More precisely,
we'd like to give George some of Al's smarts and give Al some of George's
fun.
Since that is'nt going to happen, I suggested a back-up plan: Tell these
pretenders to give it up. Just quit. In a country on the cusp of 24 hour
World Wrestling Federation TV, and boasting comic talents like Connan
O'Brien and Jean-Claude Van Dam, we've already got more leaders than we
know what to do with. Why pile on? What this country needs is some real
entertainment.
We all peered off in distant directions, our pallid faces incredulous
that anyone needed convincing of such obviousness. That's when I felt
a sudden patriotic sense of duty pressing me to action. To save my friends
and me from an even more quickly accelerated sense of personal irony,
I decided to explore a new, improved, and much more considerate election
system.
With voters from 7-11 to our sullen coffee shop in mind, I agreed to
build a political model that offers the country what it so richly deserves
- a presidential election involving scant reading, lots of fun, and a
reliable time schedule. That is to say, I took current trends to their
logical extreme.
Out to grab the public with the commodity we all cherish most, here's
the character-balanced election contest schedule I've constructed so far:
· BATTLE OF THE WITTY WHITE GUYS/ 2000 · BATTLE OF THE WEIRD WHITE GUYS/ 2004 · BATTLE OF APPARENTLY COCAINE LACED WHITE GUYS/ 2008 · BATTLE OF THE CLEVER BLACK GUYS/ 2012 · BATTLE OF WHITE PEOPLE WHO'VE LITERALLY BEATEN EACH OTHER IN
THE PAST/ 2016 All candidates must begin the election contest with a 60 second "improv'
battle of the mimes," in full Marcel Marceau clown garb, before moving
on to additional tests of global leadership. Also, each candidate must
select a suitable female running mate, able to prove herself through a
series of wet T-shirt, mud wrestling, and funny car contests.
Lest you worry that I'm ignoring our most experienced political players
and needlessly hurting their feelings, rest assured that I would ask George
W. and Al G. to serve among the judges. Mindful that I might then bore
my core audience, I mean voters, I would ask each judge to don inappropriate
headgear. I'm wondering about a Viking crown W. and one of those plastic
hats with beer can holders and drinking tubes on each side for Al. Maybe
we'd even invite Ralph N. along, dressed as an auto industry lobby chief.
Note that judges and candidates must wear requisite starched lobster
bibs designed to snap loose and slap their face whenever they mention
something overly insightful or telling.
Me? Careful to boost my profile and cut myself in on the financial action
that would undoubtedly follow, I'd insert myself as a tuxedo clad, 70s
coifed, Mr. Microphone in hand, M-C, cheerfully deducting or awarding
contest points based upon a team's ability to amuse and/or titillate voters.
The whole election would take place on one well advertised, entertainment
packed Sunday afternoon. Imagine a Super Bowl style televised extravaganza,
replete with a Diana Ross half-time show featuring semi-naked cheerleaders
high-kicking beneath a sky full of high-speed daredevil helicopters, attempting
dangerous maneuvers through multi-colored smoke bomb explosions, timed
to the frenetic blasts of the latest lyric-free industrio-rock club beat.
The name of my election spectacle - "Bore me - I dare ya'"
Go on, I'd chide candidates at the beginning of each round, to the approving
roar of the assembled crowd, just try to think of winning anything here
without amusing us first. Before long, the whole world would catch on.
Russians would operate a heavy-metal version of the U.S. contest. The
Japanse would execute a perfect replica then mess up the lip syncing.
The Italian version would prove the most amusing, mainly because no participant
would fully understand the rules.
Think
of it, I thought, The United States would lead the planet with a world
class export to rival its magnificent film industry. And I'd go down in
politico-tainment history as a hybrid Bill Gates-Thomas Jefferson-Michael
Eisner of millennium democracy ... Don't you think?
Yours truly,
Copy
Boy In-Chief
©
99/00 screedme.com |