| gOOD
NEWS MENACe
mAY,
2000 - iN
the backwash of the "Love Bug" and awaiting the "Mother's Day" virus wave
on the horizon, I remembered some home grown wisdom personally cobbled in
my youth while trekking many miles to school through the snows of Montreal:
Never fall for good news. Embrace bad-news as a synonym for real-life and
you'll never go wrong. Described another way, never open an e-mail promising
love, riches, health, or anything remotely positive.
This simple truth saved me from opening the "Love Bug,"
much as it had saved me from countless dates with Playboy centerfolds
calling relentlessly during high school, begging for a taste of my sexual
expertise. "Sorry Miss October, I'm busy studying for English Lit' midterms
on social satire, so that I might grow up to edit ScreedMe.com."
On this advisory note, I've collected some recent promotional
highlights, e-mailed to me atop the back of our "information age." All
excerpts below are real, edited only for brevity, and appended with my
personal observations, noted in bold italics between brackets. Review
the selection below and you too will come to understand the menace known
as "good news."
Subject:
Last Stock Market Pick Up 1094%
Dear Sir / Madam
This information is sent to subscribers only.
{it seems that i "subscribe" to an organization
that knows neither my name, nor my gender}
Subject:
Ditch Your Debt
Fix your credit. Or, get NEW credit. Just click here.
{while you're at it, fix your car. Or, steal a NEW
one}
Subject: University Diplomas
UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS
Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the
admiration of all.
{anyone seriously believing they could "obtain"
something like a "prosperous future" is better off remaining
in their past}
Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities
based on your present knowledge and life experience.
{the juxtaposition, without irony, of words "presitigious"
and "non-accredited" makes this a ScreedMe must}
No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. Bachelors,
masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your
choice.
{hmmm, think i could get a second "doctorate
of dotology"? (see ScreedMe February edition)}
No one is turned down. Confidentiality assured.
{... guess that means 'yes I can'. and best of
all, no one will ever know I even have a diploma!}
CALL NOW 1-800-XXX-XXXX to receive your Diploma. Call
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including Sundays and holidays!!!
{evidently, the slave-laborers feverishly handing
out these diplomas can't use them to escape to new jobs}
Subject: The Millionaire Mind
You were referred to me as someone who was ready for
a financial breakthrough!
{butt out of my life - mom!}
Wealthy people know that if you want to be successful
you must first find someone who is successful and duplicate what they
do.
{hey - i'm already trying to copy "The Onion"}
I am willing to teach you the secrets that I have learned
in creating financial independence, given that you pass a brief qualification.
{... right after i "teach you" to pave
my "financial independence"}
I am looking for a few motivated and teachable individuals
who are ready to start earning at least $2000.00 per week starting right
away. And a SEVEN FIGURE income within the next 2 years. Yes, I said,
"You could be a millionaire!"
{but first, I suggest you hand me all your savings.
that way, your millions will feel even better when they arrive}
Take a look at a business that:
* Is NOT MLM or a franchise
* Does NOT take any special education or training * Does
NOT require a huge investment
* You make 80% commission on everything you do!
*{isn't this called "armed robbery?"}
This is a business that can be operated from ANYWHERE!
{... including prison?}
Be ran (their grammar) PART-TIME, FULL-TIME,
or ANYTIME!
RETIRE you out (their grammar again) in
2-3 years.
{in other words, play this for 2 to 3 and get 20
to 30}
Subject:Get help with your Bills!!
Dear friend,
{such a buddy in fact, that he decided not to use
my name}
I would like to introduce you to an easy way to consolidate
your Bills into one low monthly payment.
{not to be confused with silly approaches you might
have already tried, like paying your bills off then buying less}
Do you owe your creditors more than $5000.00? If so, may
I suggest a debt consolidation program that really works. It saved me
from certain financial disaster!
{actually, i'm counting on YOU to save me from the
certain financial disaster that's already driven me to a career in misleading
e-mail promotions}
All you have to do is fill out the short quote request
form and a trained professional will review your credit situation and
provide you with a free quote.
{this "professional" is "trained"
to record enough of your personal data to provide me with countless aliases}
The entire program is strictly confidential. No one will
pressure you into doing anything.
{why use "pressure" when naked trickery
works way better}
You have nothing to loose. I hope this works out for
you.
{you'll lose everything you're too dim to keep.
I just hope I can grab it all before you see my picture in the post office}
Sincerely,
{duplicitously - a word learned studying dictionaries
during previous prison terms}
DN
{aka, DiNo "the weasel"} Yours Truly,
Xander, Copy Boy In Chief
©
99/00 screedme.com
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