jordan QUITS BUT CLICHES don't

February, 1999 and Michael Jordan is still retired. I'd like to freshen my Big Gulp, but I'm terrified that leaving my TV will deny me new news. Here's what I already know.

At 36, Jordan is already - still - a millionaire many times over. He'll never want for money like so many sports greats of yore. The man who quit basketball in 1993, quit again last year, then announced he was still quitting earlier this month, continues to shock the sporting world by the alarming scope, not to mention sheer gall, of his utter - quittery. Sources close to Jordan continue to report that he has not been seen on any NBA court, warm up area, locker room, or training facility, since his latest announcement.

OK - so just when I think it's safe to leave for the bathroom, another bulletin clamps me to my easy chair.

"Dart Sanborn here, back with another extended Sports Minute. We have a 'live' report now on Jordan's absence, the 379th in our series: Michael Jordan - Cliches Held Hostage. Let's go to Dash Riprock, standing by at yet another location where Jordan is not. Dash, give us your latest litany of obvious-isms."

"Dart - Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player in history. He changed the NBA and it will never be the same now that he's - still - gone. An industry unto himself, he was a great asset to the sport, became perhaps the most famous face on earth since Muhammad Ali, and gave people in Chicago reason to stop eating for a moment and watch more TV. All of this will remain changed forever now that he's - still - gone. We hit streets around the world earlier today to canvas Mr. and Mrs. JQ Public on their thoughts."

Chicago:

Dash: "Where was the last place you did not see Michael Jordan?"

JQ #1: "I last didn't see him last night on my TV. I turned it on, but he still wasn't there."

Dash: "How does that make you feel?"

JQ #1: "Hungry. I'm going to have to go back to - still - eating more, and watching TV less."

Beijing:

Dash: "How do you feel now that Michael Jordan is still retired?"

JQ #2: "He was the greatest basketball player ever. He changed the NBA. It'll never be the same now that he's - still - gone."

Dash: "And what did ..."

JQ #2: "He was perhaps the most famous face on earth since Muhammad Ali, and friendlier than Mao."

Dash: "Your English is excellent."

JQ #2: "I learned from listening to Michael's courtside interviews"

Berlin:

Dash: "What are you doing now that Michael Jordan is still retired?"

JQ #3: "Eating. I'm still eating a lot more, now that he's still not playing."

Dash: "Why is that?"

JQ #3: "Well, you know Jordan was a great asset to basketball. He was an industry unto himself. At 36. Already, still, a millionaire many times over. He'll never want for money like so many sports greats of - yore."

Dash: "Well there you have it Dart. At 36, Michael Jordan is already still a millionaire many times ..."

JQ #3: "He'll never want for money, Dash, like so many sports greats of - yore."

OK, I think, standing tentatively. Time to top up my tasty bowl of Ring Dings. I take a ginger step toward the kitchen before a G-force of Los Alamos like strength, hurls me into the chic black bean-bag I'd set in the center of my living room in a bold effort to display my artistic side. Seemingly driven by electric Visigoths, or some sort of cable outlet purchased by Steven King, my TV is adamant.

"Jordan is known by only one name ... Michael."

I struggle to gather my spilled Twinkies. They're strewn widely. I don't get far.

"He is also known as Air Jordan, Your Airness, M.J., Mr. B-Ball Himself, Icabod Crane, The Long Lost Brother of Queen Latifah, and countless more endearing appendages you should know by heart if you plan to grow up and get a job of your own."

I'm fading, I tell myself, doggedly muttering, "Must get Big Gulp. Must escape cliches." I use my elbows now to crawl, commando style, to any part of the apartment that will have me. Ring Dings be damned. Then, another blast.

"Tomorrow on the 380th segment of our series: Michael Jordan - Cliches Held Hostage, we'll speak to congressional leaders about legislation to continue designating successive federal days of mourning, marking Jordan's continued retirement."

"No hope." These simple words flutter through my spinning head amid miasmic phobias and hallucinations involving a sixth grade reading list that includes James Joyce's 'Ulysses.' I cry out, but find my words whittled to lifeless rasps.

"To see more famous faces that remain in retirement, from Alexander the Great and Franklin Roosevelt to The Beatles and Kurt Cobaine, tune into MSNBC's new show, MonoTopic. Tonight - Why Don't They All Make A Comeback Damn It? We'll hear shrill arguments from both sides."

Disoriented, mistaking my laptop for a phone, I tentatively reach out to punch in 911. Mistakenly, I log-on instead, with the last spurt of energy my index finger can muster. My computer screen pops up.

"To learn more of the same, log onto to our unending web site, WWW.ClichesNeverDie.Com."

Weeks after my last gasp, the sirens of wailing paramedics speed for my door. But it's long over. The ambulance radio broadcasts in the background, as burly men in rubber gloves slowly cart off what's left of my withered corpus. The still scattered Ring Dings remain tasty as new.

"Again, the headline at the top of our news: Michael Jordan - still retired."

Yours truly,
Xandor

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