Debate Plan

From: Senator Zell Miller, Ga. (D)
To: President George W. Bush
RE: Debate Plan
Date: September 30, 2004


Mr. President, as a patriot who long ago ceased providing helpful tips to tobacco, I feel honor bound to take your place debating John Kerry. My plan is simple: challenge Kerry to a duel. If he accepts, I’ll choose weapons I fully plan to return to Ted Nugent. If he declines, I’ll brand him as a coward. The sort who lacks the common courtesy - say - to deny U.S. atrocities in Vietnam.

Mr. President, the debates must hit these points: That you are a patriot sir who served your country honorably when your country needed you - in Alabama - while John Kerry used family connections to run off to Vietnam. You worked quietly, some say undercover, maybe identifying plots at the time to make Martin Luther King’s birthday a national holiday while John Kerry went cruising along Cam Ranh Bay and the Mekong River Delta. When he did come home, it was to help himself to taxpayer financed veteran’s medical benefits!

Given this glaring blemish, the country has no choice but to reelect the man who was willing to protect his home by staying there.

Let’s face it Mr. President. John Kerry thinks he’s John Kennedy. You’re role models are true Americans – like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Worldly types might favor Kerry but your support comes from a deeper place – us. People like you and me sir. People who understood at an early age all we needed to understand. While his supporters are cursed - perhaps by Jesus - to continue that search. Let me just say what the worldlies will never understand … That they can free all the Nelson Mandelas in all the world and still never know what we figured from the start – that we’re right.

Now I know they say you lie. That you lied about Iraq. That you lied about who your tax cuts help. But they’re the ones who lie. It’s a well known lie for example to say you lied about Iraq. In fact you told all the truth that made sense to tell. As for who benefits from your tax cuts? Well now what if a poor man today, maybe a colored fella, worked up to become Halliburton CEO tomorrow, saving his hard-earned winnings in a Bermuda tax shelter? See what I mean.

Maybe John Kerry would call that tortured and confused logic. But that would be another lie because anyone who loves this country can easily see my logic is in fact plain and profitable. Sir, I want to take your place to save our great nation from their sedition, not because the other day you apparently fought yourself to a draw while practicing before the mirror.

While Kerry types travel the world and question their home (then study the gargle-sounding languages of ingrate cultures like France) you traced a prouder path, forgoing café society for real learning - in bars. That’s where you absorbed all you know today, without once asking - Why?

I burn to tell your tall tale.

Sir, by taking your place in the debates I can free you to move beyond Iraq to find the next perfect storm. John Kerry would deny us that. Deny us the pride of standing once again amid all we've ruined and say – What?!


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