To: President George Bush
RE: U.S. Supreme Court
From: Concerned Christian (aka CC aka Xandor)
Date: 11.12.04

 

 

 

Safe now in your second term it’s time now to consider your legacy. Who are you going to pick to pack the U.S. Supreme Court? Soon we'll need a new Chief Justice. Who should you pick? That man who jumped into the Taipei Zoo lion’s den to convert the beasts to Christianity. That's who. Do I feel the hand of John Ashcroft? You were thinking the same thing. Admit it. I’ll get back to Ashcroft in a moment, but my point is that this Tai could be your guy.

Here’s how I see it. You personally stand up at his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing to re-enact the man telling the lions, “Jesus will save you.” If Committee members eye the exits, quote the man yelling, "Come bite me." Then imitate the lions when they did just that and tore a chunk from the man’s leg. You could demonstrate on Arlen Specter. As members stare blankly, sit down saying, “Jesus has spoken.” Then giggle and jiggle your shoulders the way you do.

If a member dares object, stand back up, point your finger, narrow your eyes like you do when you’re trying to remember something, and stammer that ... a) We’re At War ... b) He Can Run But He Can’t Hide ... c) Freedom Is On The March, and finally that you can keep repeating everything you just said until you get your way.

If that fails, call the member a "Massachusetts liberal” then crush him saying, "I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it … on the Lion Man."

Like me Mr. President, you might be asking, “Heck fire Concerned Christian, if good John Ashcroft is leaving Justice why not slap his evangelizing ass on my high court? After all, in his hand-written November 10th resignation, Ashcroft penned, “I believe that my energies and talents should be directed toward other challenging horizons."

Turns out that new horizon is NAMBLA. It booked Ashcroft to open group meetings by singing “Let Eagles Soar” to inspire“discipline” in boys and shield them from “evils,” like bare breasts. (NB: Apparently, while packing up at the Justice Department, Ashcroft scanned his office for mementos, tucking a file under his arm labeled: Abu Ghraib-The Private Collection)

So what I’m saying Mr. President is this. When the Chief Justice spot opens up please nominate the Lion Man. For God’s sake, nominate the Lion Man. You’ll send a strong signal: Ashcroft principals, without Ashcroft baggage. Get it? Just like Alberto Gonzales.