2006 Cold Open

                    

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NEW YEAR'S EVE 2006

Huge crowd huddles to watch the ball drop at midnight. They count down ... 3-2-1.

INT. TIMES SQUARE   OFFICE BUILDING - ELEVATOR - CONT.

TOM CRUISE, ASHLEE SIMPSON, and former FEMA chief MICHAEL BROWN stand awkwardly, staring straight ahead. Suddenly, the elevator JOLTS to a halt.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            Omidgod. It's midnight and we're stuck!

                        TOM CRUISE

                        (looks at Brown)

            You were in charge of national disasters. Do something.

Brown stares straight ahead. His face is blank.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            I'm on it.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            Wait - but you look like - frozen.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            Point noted.

Brown pulls out his BlackBerry and begins clicking in a message.

                        TOM CRUISE

            I had one of those in Mission Impossible. He's sending a

            super secret special emergency message to save us.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            No. I'm complaining that no one in New York predicted

            this elevator would jam. I blame this on the mayor.

                        TOM CRUISE

            You must be high on anti-depressants.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            Whatever. I'm calling for help.

Simpson puts her cell-phone to her head, opens her mouth wide and contorts her face to howl. But no sound. She draws a deep breath and tries again. Silent scream.

                        TOM CRUISE

            What's next? A jig?

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            That is like so 2005. I don't have my producers here OK. I don't

            have like my special voice machine here or anything. You saved the

            world in War of the Worlds. Why don't you save us now?

                        TOM CRUISE

            Alright. As L. Ron Hubbard is my witness - Action!

Cruise jumps up and down. He leaps around the elevator car, dropping to his knees, howling and pumping the air with his fists. Finally Cruise runs out of breath.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            I don't know what that song and dance was about, but it

            didn't convince me you liked girls when you did it on

            Oprah and it won't rescue us now.

                        TOM CRUISE

            So what's your big idea?

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            Just stand around and do nothing. Let the outrage build.

            Geraldo Rivera etc. Soon the country will donate money

            to help us. That's free-enterprise. I've seen it work.

Suddenly the elevator roof POPS open. President George Bush repels into the elevator car wearing an aircraft carrier helmet, goggles, and flight suit.

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            Mission accomplished. That's French I think

            for, You don't look like A-rabs, so instead of torture you're

            free to go.

The president GIGGLES and exchanges high-fives with Michael Brown.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            9-11 sir.

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            9-11 to you too Brownie. You did a heck of a job.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            Thank you Mr. President.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            President? I thought he quit to go live with his girlfriend?

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            Brownie. Get her name and number. I need more heads like hers.

            The open kind.

                        TOM CRUISE

            How did you know we were stuck here?

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            National security. 9-11. It's hard work.

                        TOM CRUISE

            No, but how did you find us?

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            We're at war. Do I have the legal aurthority to do this? Absolutely.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            Omidgod. His tape is stuck. That's happened to me.

                        TOM CRUISE

            Mr. President please. If I promise never to make another

            movie, and finally admit I'm gay will you tell us how ...

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            Evil-doers. We've got to be fast on our feet.

            There's a difference between loyal opposition

            and defeatists who   ...

Simpson bangs the president's chest with her fist like he's a jammed vending machine, then turns to Cruise with a shrug.

                        ASHLEE SIMPSON

            Recordings - Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em.

                        TOM CRUISE

            Mr. President, now can you tell us ...

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            ... How I found you? Oh. (GIGGLES) I tapped your

            phones. Freedom's on the march.

Everyone LAUGHS and SLAPS each other with high-fives.

                        MICHAEL BROWN

            Happy new year sir. So how do we get out?

The president's face falls.

                        PRESIDENT BUSH

            ... Darn it. I always forget that part. Guess we're stuck.

            (GIGGLES) Oh well. At least freedom's on the march.

 

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