To:        Santa
From:   Your Advisor
Date:    25 December 2005
RE:       The christMAS War

Santa let me first welcome you once again into our homes to remind us that Christmas is more and more about Mas than about Christ.

I’m not saying anything you don’t already know of course. You’ve lived what I could only read. The transition from your days as a skinny German upstart in that mangy brown outfit to the well-fed happy guy we all know today in the Coca Cola suit. Once upon a time you brought bad kids bags of coal. Today they register with you through PayPal.

But this year’s a little different. Seems the Iraq war is going so well we decided to open up a new one called the Christmas War.

Here’s the idea. With all these damn secularists wishing us “happy holidays” we worry we might forget what Christmas is really about – you and the great stuff you bring.

So we’re fighting back, hitting where it counts – in the stores. Here’s the deal. Wish us “Merry Christmas” and we’ll line up outside your store before dawn. Then stampede each other to be the first inside. Fine, we’ll line up and stampede just for the fun of lining up to stampede. That’s what made this country great (remember the gold rush). But - but, start in with that “Happy Holidays” or some other Communism and you’ll get a fatwa from Bill O’Reilly.

Now some in our Christian community - let’s call them the ACLU - say that’s not what Jesus would do. They say his message is about charity, uniting under God, rising above greed, gluttony and everything else we look forward to this time of year. Well Santa, Jesus isn’t really the point here is he?

No disrespect intended to the Son of God given that this is his official birthday, but I don’t remember Coca Cola hiring him to run a team of reindeer. I never saw him sing along with Frosty the Snowman. And I never heard of him bringing anything in his bag. Salvation maybe, but try putting that under your “holiday” tree.

Still, these “Christians” argue that sincerity is what matters in greetings; that phony seasonal profiteers are no match for God; that no amount of wretched consumerism could sully your Christmas spirit if you truly believe. Nice. But imagine coming down the chimney with that story? The credit card kids would run you out before New Year.

That’s why we’re at war. Take Christmas back for the man who brings christMAS to us – you. Plus, we need a distraction from the real war. Why would Jesus have a problem with that?