To: President Jacques Chirac
From: Your Advisor
RE: Paris Riots
Date: 11.7.05

Mr. President, first let me congratulate you sir on not letting the riots, the worst in nearly 40 years and now approaching two straight weeks, from getting even worse.

True - night after night, mostly Arab kids are setting fires and firing guns in numerous Paris suburbs, seemingly beyond the control of authorities. Of the more than 800 arrests so far, one boy was as young as 13. More than 1,000 vehicles burned up this past Saturday night alone. And, yes, now the riots have spread to other French cities. But at least you can rest easy knowing the true cause of it all - George Bush.

Sir, just imagine how much worse this would be if any of it were say, the fault of France. Yes. I hear you. Ridiculous. To be truly French is to know the world is full of problems and that all are caused by someone else.

Now in this case sir, I think we can sharpen the case. As you know, in addition to waking each day unsure where Tom Cruise will alarm them next, people across the United States are also now exposed to reports of criminal allegations against the U.S. Vice President’s chief of staff, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby.

Mr. Chirac, I say we point the finger where that finger deserves pointing - at the Scooter. Why did he do it? He knew it was wrong. No grown man calls himself Scooter. Perhaps this is driving the Arab youth mad?

Mr. President, that’s why I say “Scooter” Libby is another slap in the face of France and the world. An example of Uncle Sam’s indifference to global opinion, in this case on appropriate adult names. How could Arab youth not riot?! I might do the same, were I not busy with other things.

So, given that we can’t stop the rioters, how about this argument – their riot is right. Until Scooter Libby agrees to observe world standards on names, and change his to something more internationally adult affirming, the riots will continue. And who will be to blame? As always, George Bush.

 

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