My Medal
To Make More Secure and Advance the Cause

President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom on December 14th to Gen. Tommy Franks, the overall commander of the Iraq invasion; Paul Bremer III, the chief administrator of the U.S. occupation of Iraq; and George Tenet, the CIA director who built the case for going to war. Bush said the three men made "our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty."

Given the president’s standard, who else deserved the nation’s highest civilian honor in 2004?

• New York Times reporter Jason Blair advanced the cause of newspaper credibility by getting caught before he could write more lies.

• Swift Boat Veterans for Truth made the country feel more secure by inventing stories to show how John Kerry would make it more dangerous.

• TV host Bill O’Reilly advanced the cause of women in the workplace by showing why he should be replaced by one.

• Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi made slippery leaders more secure by dodging bribery charges as easily as questions on why Italy is in Iraq.

• Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet advanced the cause of ridiculous dictators by becoming too sick to face charges whenever he’s charged with being a ridiculous dictator.

• CBS News anchor Dan Rather made George Bush’s election more secure by reporting unsupported rumors about the war president’s unsupported war record.

• Pop performer Michael Jackson advanced the cause of men who believe they are children by insisting the “N” in Neverland never stood for NAMBLA.

• Pop syncher Ashlee Simpson made the case for turning off the radio more secure by appearing on Saturday Night Live to say all that needs to be said about the music biz today.

• Rocker Courtney Love advanced the cause of celebrity clarity after a judge barred her from alcohol and nonprescription drugs, by responding ... ``Yeah, I have to stop drinking. It's fun. This is funny. I mean, it's not funny at all, it's profound. It's deep. But I want, you know, to see if I can do it. I think I can do it. Can you do it? Can we all do it?''

•Director Mel Gibson made fun with facts more secure by making a movie more imaginative than the book.

The bonus honor for 2004 goes to Yasir Arafat, who advanced the cause of impoverished Palestinians by showing them in death the millions he stole from them in life.