GOP Convention

To: Republican National Committee
From: (Close Relative to) Senator James M. Inhofe (R)
RE: GOP Presidential Convention
Date: August 10, 2004


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Friends, our convention countdown is at 20 days. While bad news flares abroad let’s not forget the good news at home. No one cares. That's right.

•936 US casualties in Iraq with 5,801 wounded.
•$87.5 billion Iraq bill is on its way to $146 billion with no plan to pay.
•All that business about us “torturing” those people at that “prison.”

No end in sight and yet the president’s polling is holding. Maybe a slip or two here or there but a solid 42% of us say we want him back no matter what goes wrong next. So how do we keep up the good work? By remembering what’s worked so good so far.

Next time some Neville Chamberlain look-alike tells you Uncle Sam is anyone less than Christ Almighty in a more colorful suit, duck under at least one point of my Troika of Blamelessness.

1) We’re Right:
EG: Saddam is bad. It’s good he’s gone. We’re good because we got him.

2) We Meant Well:
EG: If Iraq becomes next year’s al Qeada crack den don’t say we didn’t try to sprinkle all the Hamburger Helper a hungry A-Rab could eat.

3) Nobody’s Perfect:
EG: We’re idiots for forgetting Arabs are even bigger idiots than we thought. Build them a Krispe Kreme and they pull up in a car bomb. We’re too darn trusting.

Troika Action Plan:
In a lawless land where an overweight demagogue can use a camera to play loose with truths Rush Limbaugh spent a decade to hold self-evident with a mic, here are 10 patriotic answers to repel ten or more terrorist elites ...

• Outrage at the Outrage:
Get really mad at any UCLA type who gets mad at us. Yell so loud you can’t hear a word he says, before howling, “You Hate America.” Then call the FBI. We gave you the Patriot Act. If you don't use it the terrorists have won. Plus, nothing like 1-2 years of unexplained confinement to teach the democratic principals that sets our great nation apart from the world’s rabble.

• Pick a Fight:
Make points no one would argue, and argue them: “We must fight evil,” “The threat is real,” “Al Qeada will strike again.” Find some NY Times subscriber type and rant these lines off like you discovered them. Now - before he can agree, bark that this election offers two choices ... Republicans or Revelations!

• Scrape The Barrel:
Say some art-critic starts banging on about Abu Ghraib the way they do. Mention that if Saddam had arrested us, he’d have run every American through his goat grinder by sunset. Then draw this axis-of-evil comparison, “Sure we made mistakes but we're not as bad as Saddam!” (Troika # 2&3 in a nutshell)

• Change The Subject:
Say you’re arguing about the U.N. with some latte-licker who says something un-American like, “international.” Stop right there and call her “Baby Killer.” Then point your finger and bellow, “President Bush loves babies so much he hates abortion.” Changing the subject is a great way to win the argument without really understanding it.

• Moral Relativism:
This used to be a big Lib thing but now it’s one of ours. That’s what makes it so fun. For an example let’s look at the Bush Doctrine – “States supporting terrorists or providing sanctuary for terrorists are as guilty of crimes as the terrorists themselves.” (Note: Doctrine VOID if applied to Saudi Arabia, Pakistan or any other dictatorship we like.) … Zing!

• We’re Still Great:
Use this on those fact-checker types who bring up “information” that contradicts your Red, White, and Blue. Instead of dignifying their poodle-walk, hold out your flat palm, saying, “The Media Won’t Report It But We’re Still the Best Country in the World. (See “National Relativism” for detail)

• Call for Hearings:
Next time you see something terrible, like an execution in Iraq, find some constitution-waver who looks like Al Franken and yell, “Now, Why Don’t I See Hearings on Beheadings?” Make it sound like you really do not understand this. You’ll be amazed how many patriots think the US Congress has jurisdiction over foreigners.

• Unleash The Hillary:
Pay No Price, Bear No Burden aka People love a good fight as long as they’re not in it and ignore a big bill until they must pay it. That’s why we keep the body bags out of sight and put the war on layaway. Now, if some wine-collector tries to dredge up that $146 billion (and growing) price tag, breath deeply, then explode ... "If Hillary Clinton were president we’d be throwing that money away on health care.”

• Introduce Your Parents (or Grandparents):
Especially useful if you’re old enough to have wriggled out of Vietnam but the wisdom of your years has now taught you the value in sending young men and women to die in Iraq. Imagine some cross-worder calls you “hypocrite” or “sissy hawk.” Quick – turn a purple shade of rage. Shake your fist and cite the suffering your parents endured fighting
WW2, shrieking that France has never properly repaid you for your parent’s bravery.

• Remember Hitler:
Just two words here folks: 1) Hitler 2) Appeaser. Anyone we fight is a “Hitler.” Anyone against our fight is an “Appeaser.” Whether the discussion is Saddam, the economy, or your local crabgrass championship hoot out, “If John Kerry had been president in 1941 we’d be buying our Krispe Kremes from Berlin.”


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