To: Tom Cruise
From Your Advisor
Date: 10 October 2005
Tom – let me first congratulate you my man on whatever you’ve done recently with your wonderful teeth. In a month so filled with darkness - be it that earthquake in Pakistan (I think) or the spritzer I had to send back at Spago - your teeth shine the sort of light that I think helps us all to really better see our humanity.
Now, this week promises another ride on the crazy train. New numbers on War of the Worlds show it lagging bootleg copies of your Oprah interview. Also, there’s a new website getting lots of play, www.scienTOMogy.info.
Those non-believers never quit do they.
What to do? Fight fire with fire. That’s what I say Cruiser. How? By joining the crowd that never met a fire it didn’t want to spread. That’s right Tommy, you’re ripe to turn Republican.
Cruise machine, you’re already there. I mean you already follow all the basic Republican rules.
1) In deference to traditional lifestyles you studiously wed
women, just like a Republican
2) You hold the moral high-ground because you shout down anyone who says you don’t, just like a Republican
3) In your new movie you save the World in simple two-hour story line, like what the White House is doing in Iraq.
4) And you never string yourself out on prescription medication. Neither do Republicans (actually let me check that one)
Anyway, it’s all set. I’ve booked you and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for a Vanity Fair cover story. For the cover photo, you stand in your Risky Business white socks and jockies. Delay in dark socks, garters and Depends. You two are a natural fit. For starters you’re both already part of organizations that frighten people.
So here’s the storyline: TeamTom - How Two Toms set out to stop the evil-doers. You know anyone who dares ask them questions.