To: Mega Pastors
From: Your Advisor
Date: 5 December 2005
RE: Christmas Close
First, let me congratulate many of you mega-pastors for plans to bring Christ to the mall. This year many of you will close your Christian mega-churches on the day we celebrate Christ’s birth. Now, the religion police already say mega-churches teach Christian-lite. But friends, here’s what the police won’t say – that this year Christmas is on Sunday. The exact day the Kansas Board of Education confirms God rested after building the universe in 6 days flat!
Apparently, instead of mega-preaching in mega-church some mega-pastors plan instead to offer mini-DVDs. That’s an intelligent design. Here’s why. If God rested on a Sunday after making Man in his image it seems Man should rest in front of a TV on a Sunday that celebrates the birth of God’s Son. Then mega-Christians might learn what their mega-church made in its image – HBO hit “My Name is Earl.”
When God made laziness – on a Wednesday I believe – he commanded, “Deliver this to those most able to use it.” (The Kansas Board of Education lists this edict in its “Book of Don’t Argue,” next to the page where Columbus discovers America and George Bush saves Iraq).
With God’s command in mind, instead of delivering a Christmas
Day sermon to its 20,000 faithful, the Willow Creek Community Church
in Illinois is among those planning to deliver Christmas DVDs.
The Willow Creek communications director explained why. "What we're encouraging people to do is take that DVD and in the comfort of their living room, with friends and family, pop it into the player and hopefully hear a different and more personal and maybe more intimate Christmas message, that God is with us wherever we are.”
And where we’ll be this Christmas is at KrispeKreme. Again, that’s an intelligent design. Some would call it lame. But we would call them liberal or Jew.
We Christians - especially our mega-church mega-white mega-vehicle variety out in exurbs where reality is as near as that Negro working at Denny’s - are all under siege.
To fight back we boycott malls that don’t celebrate Christmas and press schools to call it "Christmas break" after a semester learning that Charles Darwin was gay and in cahoots with al Qaeda. (Another fact in the Book of Don’t Argue)
But to put Christ back in Christmas we need to put Christmas back in the mall. That means putting God into a DVD at the mall, since that’s where we really pray anyway. It’s an intelligent design. Some would call it dopey. But we would call them Darwin. And he was gay. It’s in the Book.