Stupor Bowl: The Real Story
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. Feb. 6 – Super Bowl XXXIX was not the
only spectacle prompting overweight men to strip near naked, paint
their heads, and prance like they had scored a touchdown instead
of watched one. In a game here that mainstream media ignored,
champion accountants from Philadelphia and New England squared
off to sort through the Bush administration’s social security
Fans wearing team-color matching eyeshades munched Fritos, chugged Tab, and made whooping sounds while disinterested women straightened the room and volunteered as designated drivers. Cheers mixed with the sounds of pencils greeted the accounting teams as they strapped on calculators, smashed through a huge paper picture of Ken Lay, and raced to their Excel spreadsheets.
Nick-named “Stupor Bowl I,” captains from each team flipped a coin to see who would tackle the president’s proposed Personal Savings Accounts. Philadelphia won the toss and threw what it called a “Bernie Ebbers,” where employees build whole retirement accounts from discarded Bulgarian treasury bonds and DentuGrip.
New England intercepted with a plan allowing employees to bet their entire 401K account on Super Lotto.
But before New England could complete the play a Nevada energy official streaked, Eroning the crowd in a move that shut down the game lights. Blowing the whistle, refs called a penalty and frog-walked the streaker before play could resume.
Philadelphia then took back control with a Marsh-McLenan end-run touchdown, scoring extra points by secretly promising new cars to score keepers. Successive rows of fans responded by leaping up to do the Wave, chanting “Spitzer - Spitzer - Spitzer.”
By half-time both agreed the score was 7-7. That’s when President Bush appeared by satellite to hail the players for helping build what he called an “ownership society” where accountants and stock-brokers end up owning society.
Amid a plume of violet colored dry ice, Martha Stewart arrived by helicopter to provide the half-time entertainment.
Ashlee Simpson crooned back-up as Stewart cued Do The Hustle, did a shackled River Dance jig, and sang the rules to her up coming TV show where contestants compete to invent substitutes for money.
After taking a bow, Stewart said that in keeping with the spirit of the administration’s social security plan, her winning contestant must devise a system where employees build retirement accounts by choosing any dollar number they like then keying that amount into their home computers. Presto. No government interference.
“Like the president,” Stewart told the crowd, now high on cyclamates, “I believe in the magic of the market.” That prompted Republicans in the stands to chant “Magic - Magic - Magic,” before they bared their bare butts painted in a dream scape of an ever escalating Dow Jones index.
Stewart quieted chanters by pointing out that she could have saved much more for retirement herself were it not for government interference, like jail. Federal Marshals then escorted her back to her dry ice and helicopter.
The accounting teams spent the last two quarters going back and forth on plays that fans argued would either shred the safety net or encourage the nanny state.
Then, with one minute left on the clock, the game broke down over Gay marriage. While New England fought to allow benefits, Philadelphia blocked the play arguing their city could not afford more jokes based on that Tom Hanks movie.
To resolve the impass, both teams agreed to punt, declare victory and call it a game. As the accounting teams logged off and walked away a TV reporter asked the team captains where they would settle the social security debate?
Both raised index fingers to flash number one. “We’re going to Disneyworld.”