To: Saddam Hussein
From: The Advisor
Date: 31 October 2005
RE: Trial Tips

Mr. President (former), let me first congratulate you on getting hold of that nice Armani suit. In a word sir - Dignity. What dignity, while those you once commanded busy themselves by looting your county's ancient heritage and urging people less fortunate to blow themselves up on a daily schedule.

Let me also congratulate you on successfully delaying your trial by challenging the legitimacy of the court. Mr. President (former) you might be interested to learn that the very next day the U.S. House Majority Leader (former) Tom DeLay did the very same thing. Sir, you know what they say about great minds.

But before your trial resumes, a few tips.

First, shave that beard. That way you might look a little less like the devil. Next, please finally admit that your tough talk was a lot of baloney aimed at frightening regional enemies like Iran. That you never expected the president of the United States to start running around with his hair on fire too.

Last, a few don'ts:

  • DON'T ... re-new your challenge to duel with George Bush. Unlike your weapons of mass destruction, president Bush's guns are real. Apparently he often pretends to press the button at parties while insisting that friends watch his John Wayne imitation.
  • DON'T ... talk about all the destruction you plan to unleash if given half a chance. I know it's pretend. But it's still scary. And let's face it sir, that's what got you into this mess in the first place.
  • DON'T ... admit that you laugh hysterically - once I understand even fell off your chair - telling people you still can't believe the United States fell for your trap.
  • And finally, DO NOT ... say the word Mother. As in Mother of all whatever. Please! Since you said it back in Gulf War I, people over here have used Mother to sell everything from used cars to all you can eat buffets. It's annoying, sir, and might in itself lead to your conviction.

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