To: Osama bin Laden
From: Your Advisor
Date: 23 January 2006
RE: Happy Hudna
First, let me congratulate you Mr. bin Laden on your latest audiotape reminding us that there is a way out - your way.
If I heard you correctly, all we need to do is quit drilling for your oil and ditch Israel. Then you'll offer us a hudna - a truce. Easy enough. Here's what we'd like in return. Embrace Israel as you savior then dance nude on a Macy's Thanksgiving float, singing the Star Spangled Banner. Is that so hard?
Now I heard your tape point out that, "Our situation is getting better while yours is getting worse." Nothing like logic to seal the deal. And who's going to disagree with you, sitting in your cave.
You did make one glaring error though saying, "There is no shame in this solution which prevents the wasting of billions of dollars that have gone to those with influence and merchants of war in America who have supported Bush's election campaign."
Good points, except one - no one is paying. You may not be aware but what we're doing over here is racking up one heck of a bill. Lots of us think the war in Iraq is a great idea. But none of us plan to pay for it. We like to punt not pay. Good thing, because I'll tell you, if we did have to pay we would quit. And then what? Guys like you would be free to plan attacks on us and send off tapes saying so. Fortunately, George Bush is making sure that never ever happens.
And another thing - I know we've branded you bigger than life: the Elvis of Islam's twilight's-last-gleaming-crowd. But don't overreach. Reacting to your latest threats, our Chicken-licken-the-sky-is-falling crowd didn't cluck as loudly this time. No red alerts from Washington. No stock market tumbles in New York. No rushing out belowing "national security, national security" to torture anyone in a turban.
it's not like our make-a-dollar-any-way-we-can media crowd didn't
scream itself half dizzy with its no-news-but-shrill-news coverage featuring
the usual shreiking and helpful reminders to buy everything that's for
Nope. This time we didn't bight. At least not as hard. So I wonder. Are we catching on to you?