2006 Cold Open
EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NEW YEAR'S EVE 2006
Huge crowd huddles to watch the ball drop at midnight. They count down ... 3-2-1.
INT. TIMES SQUARE OFFICE BUILDING - ELEVATOR - CONT.
TOM CRUISE, ASHLEE SIMPSON, and former FEMA chief MICHAEL BROWN stand awkwardly, staring straight ahead. Suddenly, the elevator JOLTS to a halt.
Omidgod. It's midnight and we're stuck!
(looks at Brown)
You were in charge of national disasters. Do something.
Brown stares straight ahead. His face is blank.
I'm on it.
Wait - but you look like - frozen.
Brown pulls out his BlackBerry and begins clicking in a message.
I had one of those in Mission Impossible. He's sending a
super secret special emergency message to save us.
No. I'm complaining that no one in New York predicted
this elevator would jam. I blame this on the mayor.
You must be high on anti-depressants.
Whatever. I'm calling for help.
Simpson puts her cell-phone to her head, opens her mouth wide and contorts her face to howl. But no sound. She draws a deep breath and tries again. Silent scream.
What's next? A jig?
That is like so 2005. I don't have my producers here OK. I don't
have like my special voice machine here or anything. You saved the
world in War of the Worlds. Why don't you save us now?
Alright. As L. Ron Hubbard is my witness - Action!
Cruise jumps up and down. He leaps around the elevator car, dropping to his knees, howling and pumping the air with his fists. Finally Cruise runs out of breath.
I don't know what that song and dance was about, but it
didn't convince me you liked girls when you did it on
Oprah and it won't rescue us now.
So what's your big idea?
Just stand around and do nothing. Let the outrage build.
Geraldo Rivera etc. Soon the country will donate money
to help us. That's free-enterprise. I've seen it work.
Suddenly the elevator roof POPS open. President George Bush repels into the elevator car wearing an aircraft carrier helmet, goggles, and flight suit.
Mission accomplished. That's French I think
for, You don't look like A-rabs, so instead of torture you're
free to go.
The president GIGGLES and exchanges high-fives with Michael Brown.
9-11 to you too Brownie. You did a heck of a job.
Thank you Mr. President.
President? I thought he quit to go live with his girlfriend?
Brownie. Get her name and number. I need more heads like hers.
The open kind.
How did you know we were stuck here?
National security. 9-11. It's hard work.
No, but how did you find us?
We're at war. Do I have the legal aurthority to do this? Absolutely.
Omidgod. His tape is stuck. That's happened to me.
Mr. President please. If I promise never to make another
movie, and finally admit I'm gay will you tell us how ...
Evil-doers. We've got to be fast on our feet.
There's a difference between loyal opposition
and defeatists who ...
Simpson bangs the president's chest with her fist like he's a jammed vending machine, then turns to Cruise with a shrug.
Recordings - Can't live with 'em. Can't live without 'em.
Mr. President, now can you tell us ...
... How I found you? Oh. (GIGGLES) I tapped your
phones. Freedom's on the march.
Everyone LAUGHS and SLAPS each other with high-fives.
Happy new year sir. So how do we get out?
The president's face falls.
... Darn it. I always forget that part. Guess we're stuck.
(GIGGLES) Oh well. At least freedom's on the march.