O' How will the stars entertain us this year?

 

 

 

 

 

• January: As a New Year’s resolution James Brolin and Barbara Streisand surprise friends by promising a CBS movie about Ronald Reagan that actually runs on CBS and includes the truth about Ronald Reagan. Friends then surprise Brolin and Steisand by insisting the movie must reveal, “Reagan’s birth name was Gollum.”

• February: Grammy Award organizers surprise everyone by picking songs that don’t drive frantic viewers to scan for the CBS movie about Ronald Reagan. Howard Dean then surprises Grammy organizers by leaping on-stage to demand an award for the rap version of his Iowa defeat speech.

• March: Democratic presidential nominee Dennis Kucinich surprises observers by withdrawing from the race because God told him he “screams like a woman” and needs treatment. God then surprises Kucinich by personally driving him to the clinic.

• April: Quebec crooner Celine Dion surprises fans by re-growing visible breasts. On the same stage, Britney Spears surprises Celine by not kissing her. Pete Rose then surprises both women by betting on which will sing a cover of Howard Dean’s Iowa defeat speech.

• May: U.S. President George Bush surprises military men and women by spending the $6 billion he cut from veteran’s benefits to buy their votes. When they complain, Bush surprises them again by saying, “Just be glad your Commander In-Chief is not Dennis Kucinich.

• June: John Kerry surprises undertakers by asking for their votes because he looks like them. Undertakers don’t surprise Kerry when they ask if he is related to Bela Lagosi?

• July: Remaining Democratic presidential candidates surprise National Convention delegates in Boston by arriving on aircraft carriers. Riding along, Britney Spears surprises the candidates by not marrying them.

• August: Al Sharpton surprises supporters by quitting his presidential campaign to become a regular on Saturday Night Live. Democrats then surprise the country with a presidential campaign that draws fewer laughs than Al Sharpton.

• September: Saddam Hussein surprises captors by demanding that Paul Newman play the dictator in a biographical documentary titled, “Guys – I Was Just Kidding About The Weapons.” President Bush surprises no one by starring in the sequel, “Saddi – I planned to blow you up anyway.”

• October: Michael Jackson surprises children at the Neverland Ranch by not surprising them at all. Pete Rose then surprises Jackson by betting on when he’ll finally admit to being Diana Ross.

• November: Australian crocodile hunter Steve Irwin surprises his baby son Bob by not picking him out a crocodile’s teeth. Michael Jackson then surprises Steve by inviting Bob to “talk about Dad’s problems” during a sleepover at Neverland.

• December: Saddam Hussein surprises Paul Newman by admitting that instead of building weapons of mass destruction, the dictator spent the last decade watching re-runs of Cool Hand Luke. Then, on New-Years Eve, Steve Irwin surprises Saddam by asking him to baby-sit Bob.