of the Union
Mr. President, my draft for your State of the Union address below came to me in a dream:
My fellow Americans - My words to you tonight are historic and without precedent. Because as you watch me, I am watching you watch me. How? It's called the National Security Administration or NSA - Nobody Sneaks Away.
I have the constitutional authority to protect our country. Article II of the constitution gives me that authority. An addendum to Article II written today by Dick Chaney while waiting for his morning cardiogram says, and I quote, "As long as evil-doers do more of what they did, I as president must protect you by ensuring you do what I say."
... That means no more protesting at my rallies (chuckle) Just joking.
I know some in our great country disagree. I want them to know our great democracy does provide a place for them - Abu Ghraib.
That's where we can re-educate them on the principal our founding fathers held dear: That one man's torturer is another man's patriot - doing what seems bad to protect who's good from what's evil - like protesting at my rallies. Kidding. I'm kidding. (chuckle)
While simple, this is controversial. Many Americans - those invited to my rallies for example - understand the spigot of truth often flows from a water-board. But defeatists would turn their backs while Osama bin Laden penetrates the very heart of what makes us American until Krispe Kreme as we know it sells falafal and other foods too evil to pronounce.
Do I have the legal authority to do this? The answer is absolutely. White House lawyers confirm this, as does the good Lord God our savior. How do I know? I checked with Him after lunch. He speaks English.
Which brings me to my final point. The Lord reminded me what the scriptures make so clear - that English is the constitutional language of Heaven and all who hope to go there. And there will be a test.
Like back in my school days, I have some of the questions to that test.
- First, which is best - to let me tap your phone
or to let evil-doers use phones to raise money for the Democratic Party?
- Next, is torture all that bad if you never have to actually meet the victims?
- Finally, which is the American Way ... a) to struggle to protect your God-given safety? Or ... b) to waste time standing on principals that foreigners laugh at?
In return for letting me slide on a Pass-Fail basis, the Lord asked me not to show you His answers. He knows there's room for debate. I know there's just as much room at Gitmo.
Thank you. Good night. And God bless Americans - at least the ones who let me watch.