Mr. Rock Goes To Washington

Comics like Al Franken, Bill Maher, and Dennis Miller make government the target of their barbs. What if Chris Rock followed these footsteps?

(Read to the voice of Chris Rock...)

I hate the Bush administration. I really do. I hate George Bush because he's always trying to take credit for saying things any president just does: "I love my country." You're supposed to love your country. "I'll help you find a job." Compared with who - all the president who promised they'll help me go broke. I'll protect ya' from Al Qada." Right. That's why you're called Commander In-Chief. Not omething else, like Simple Minded Fool.

And Bush always tries to make ordinary things sound special. And he talks like he going to get an argument too. "We should stand up for our brave men and women in uniform." Like there's someone out there yelling - Now we got to come to our senses and totally disrespect every man and woman dying for our country. These people are fighting for our country. Let's make fun of them.

I must be exaggerating. But am I exaggerating? Let me read from the newspaper. Real stuff.

Here' February 5th, 2004: Bush talking about Iraq ... "We're determined to keep lethal weapons and materials out of the hands of our enemies and away from our shores."

What?! I thought the president's job is to give our enemies lethal weapons. Give them lethal weapons, then invite them to the White House to blow it up. Then help them blow up the whole Washington DC. Now that's what a good president does.

Bush thinks he needs to explain why he says what he says. You know why he's determined to keep lethal weapons out of the hands of our enemies? Because, "We have a duty to protect the American people... A solemn duty." That's it. I'm voting for John Kerry. You know why - because he promises to kill us all. Kill us all, then laugh about it. That's my kind of president.

Now if there was one thing Bush did understand it was weapons of mass destruction. Weapons of mass destruction. He says it like he's getting paid to say it. Weapons of Mass Destruction - Weapons of Mass Destruction. So what's he doing now that he can't find no weapons of mass destruction? "In Iraq, our survey group is on the ground looking for the truth."

The truth? What good is truth? I like lies. They sound better. Truth is sad. I want a president who makes me happy. If it takes lies to do it, then good. That man's got my vote.

It's true. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody says something stupid. But Bush can't stop. Know what else he said about that survey group looking for the truth? "We will compare what the intelligence indicated before the war with what we have learned afterward. As the chief weapons inspector said, we have not yet found the stockpiles of weapons that we thought were there."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Imagine talking that way about your car keys. "I will compare the intelligence indicated before I went outside with what I have learned after I came home. As my wife said, I have not yet found the car keys that I thought were there."

Now a lot of people say Bush ain't the problem. It's the media. The liberal media. It ain't the media. When I go to my ATM, it ain't the media flashing OVEDRDRAWN - OVERDRAWN. It's the money I don't have from the job I can't find while George Bush pays off Dick Cheney's buddies at Halliburton. When a soldier comes limping back from Iraq, it ain't the media that blew his balls off. It's George Bush who sent him to get all those weapons that were never there.

The people who work for Bush ain't no better either. Here's what Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense, said about Iraq on February 4th."What we have learned thus far has not proven Saddam Hussein had what intelligence indicated and what we believed he had." Then he said, "But it also has not proven the opposite."

Well guess what - What I have learned thus far has not proven I had the money I believed I had to pay my rent. But, my landlord has not proven the opposite. So I'm just going to kick back and watch my TV. Watch my TV - and send out a survey group to look for the truth about my rent. But look here - they ain't going to deliver no report until after we vote on whether I get to live in my apartment for another four years.


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