From: Office of the Majority Leader
U.S. House of Representatives
To: Staff – U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay
RE: House Ethics Committee Smear Campaign
Date: October 7, 2004

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For years, Democrats have hurled relentless personal attacks at me in an attempt to tie my hands and smear my good name. All have fallen short, not because of insufficient venom but because of insufficient merit.

Now they say I created “an appearance of favoritism” by playing golf last year with my good friends at Westar Energy. Men who in the name of liberty, justice, and freedom from want contributed $25,000 to my Texans for a Republican Majority – a team dedicated to protecting America from serious threats - like better fuel efficiency.

The men of Westar - heroes - also volunteered their valuable time to write new energy legislation for their country. Legislation, I might add, that would have bought more energy here at home - from Westar. And less from foreign places - like where Michael Moore lives. These same men then went an extra mile, digging into the goodness of their hearts to donate another $33,200 to help reelect six House Republicans. Each one dedicated to returning that favor.

I tell you what - If playing golf with these patriots makes me unethical, then just whistle and call me Republican.

But it doesn’t end there. Apparently I also raised "serious concerns" by asking the Federal Aviation Administration last year to track down a Texas Democrat's private plane. Remember when all those activist State Democratic legislators were fleeing Texas to prevent Republicans from passing my Better Government By Gerrymandering Anyone Who Disagrees With Me Out of Office plan? Well whip my ass with a tumble weed and call me Johnny B. Damned. That's my thanks for saving Texans from the types who would deny undereprivilaged kids the education of war in Iraq.

And don’t get me started on last month. That’s when these same “ethics committee” people hounded me for offering to help elect Rep. Nick Smith’s son in exchange for Nick’s support for the Medicare prescription bill.

I guess I should have just done what I often do - tell old Nick to vote my way or find himself damned to the fires of hell where Dingo dogs eternally tear at his flesh. But no. Sort of like what Abraham finally did with his son, I let Nick live. So lasso my muley-dog then back-kick its Jimmy-Jack. Is that my “crime?” Angering Democrats by listening to Jesus tell me to let a man live? Well then slap my sadle in the hoose-cow and tell Martha Stewart I’ll be home for supper.